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04 October 2011 @ 03:58 pm
My journal is friends only due to dealing with a very stressful life.   If you'd still like to add me as a friend then please leave a comment down below and I'll be more than happy to add you back. Nice to meet you!

♥ ♥ ♥
15 April 2017 @ 05:49 am
I couldn't sleep tonight so I decided to read the book of Job in the bible.

I never gave him much thought but after reading his entire life's story, I came to realize that I am a lot like him... especially when it comes to toxic friendships. Like Job I suffered a lot and lost so much in this life. For starters, my mother was drinking and smoking during her pregnancy and I was forced to live with fetal alcohol syndrome for the rest of my life. I never had a chance to live a normal and successful life because of what she did to me and I suffered daily from it. Then she neglected me as a child, abandoned me as a teenager, then finally disowned me as an adult by 2010. I also faced bullying, stigma, social rejection, discrimination, exclusion, and ableism from others. That made it hard for me to succeed in school, college, and the job market and I was forced to live on SSI and other government benefits just to survive. Then dad kicked me out of his house by the time I was in my early 20s and forced me to live in an apartment building I didn't want to live in from 2004-2012. I was miserable the entire time and my entire life got worse from there, especially when I had a very brief relationship in 2005 and I was raped. Then in 2009, things started going wrong in my friendship with Becca. She was jealous of my creativity and wanted it for herself. In order to do that, she made me role play with her and set very strict rules. All offspring characters were expected to look and act like her characters and I was not allowed to express myself whatsoever or make any changes. Every time I would try to create an offspring character to use in the RPG, she would always take control of my characters and dictate how they should look, act, feel, and live before stealing them for herself. Then she would use co ownership to get away with theft and make sure that she got what she wanted while I ended up with nothing. It lead to a huge character ownership dispute which made me lose several online friends and an in person friendship with someone I had known through most of my life as a result. Even though Becca already got what she wanted, she's been using my character Olivia as bait to deliberately provoke me into fighting with her for the sake of attention. It's taking every ounce of self control not to respond to her knowing that I won't win and nothing will be resolved. Worst of all, my once close knit extended family is breaking apart from each other, leaving me feeling abandoned and alone once again. Last but not least, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and near attempts for the past 20 years... possibly longer than that. I would beg God to kill me and put me out of my misery but then i would cry in total despair when I wake up the next day. Why did I suffer so much Lord? I kept asking. What did I do to deserve this difficult and lonely life?

Then I read through the book of Job and realized that he was a lot like me in a lot of ways and I can relate to him more than the other biblical figures, even when it comes to friendships. When I fully turned to God after dealing with that bad relationship in 2005, I noticed that my life got more and more difficult. Did I do something wrong and was God punishing me for it? No... I think he was testing me. Building faith with God is like building trust in a  friendship. God will test you to see how strong your faith really is and he will restore almost everything you've lost in the past and give you a happy ending. I don't know how well I'm doing with this test. I mean I fail to keep friendships for several reasons and my friendship with Jay recently ended because I don't agree with the idea that God only helps those who help themselves. Yet I haven't turned my back on God and I still hold my faith in him. I am also repenting for my many sins, especially now that we're officially in the great tribulation. As I begin to work on myself to become a better person, I still hold onto faith that things will turn out in the end and I think things were starting to change already. I am free from that oppressive environment and I'm in a bigger and better apartment building now that isn't full of crazy people. I managed to break free from becca's control over me and I refuse to take her back as a friend and let her control my characters again. I finally understand why my dad got divorced from my mother and I found closure with that after mom disowned me. God healed me and spared me from Cervical Cancer resulting from HPV after I was raped. He prevented me from becoming a man hating feminist and learned to trust men again, starting with Justin and Jeremy, whom I became very good friends with. Maybe life isn't so bad, but my condition is wearing me down so much to the point where i just want to fall asleep and not wake up again. Still, I will remind myself again that this is only temporary and things will be okay in the end. I just have to be patient and trust his perfect timing.

11 April 2017 @ 08:53 pm
5 years ago in May 2012 (it feels longer than that), I moved from my first apartment to where I am now. I decided to post photos of my bedroom to start off with then I will post the rest of my place in May. Enjoy.

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Current Mood: goodgood
17 October 2016 @ 02:27 am
I had another visionary nightmare last night that's about to come true.

I dreamt that there was a huge war going on between the US, Syria, Russia, and lastly China, who had just betrayed the US. The fighting outside was so intense that I retreated to a basement or the bomb shelter, cowering in fear. I kept hearing explosions non stop and I heard the screams of innocent people and children crying. I wanted to reach out and help them to safety but the building above ground collapsed and the doorway was blocked by broken boards and debris. All I can do is listen to the screams of people dying above me and smell the smoke rising from their ashes.

I put my hands up to my ears to block out the screaming and crying and then there was silence. I felt the hot tears rolling down my face knowing that the people outside were dead. Then another nuclear bomb went off a few feet away from my hiding place, killing me instantly. I had no idea what hit me and i didn't feel any pain. My entire world just went black as if I had gone under for surgery and I found myself in heaven looking for Jesus, my grandparents, and those that lived and died before me. The dream ended and I woke up, feeling anxious through the rest of the day and I couldn't figure out why. In fact, I was so anxious that I flip out easily and I ended up fighting with Jeremy and Justin over the phone, only to regret it later.

Then later that evening, I started browsing the news. While people were so obsessed with Trump, Hillary, and the election, I found out that Obama took one step closer to declaring war with Russia and from the sounds of things, we just attacked Yemen and soon we'll be fighting globally again. I fear the worst for the future of this country....
Current Mood: scaredscared
19 August 2016 @ 07:15 pm
1. What’s your favorite way to stay cool in late summer?
I was in florida this summer so I stayed cool by staying in the house which has central air conditioning and spent a lot of time in the pool.

2. Are you ready for autumn yet?
Absolutely! I'm done with this heat and humidity. I'm also looking forward to lower electric bills too.

3. What do you have left to do before summer ends?
Nothing really. However, I would like to get some artwork done and I need a new pair of running shoes...

4. Has it been a good summer for you?
It was okay but it wasn't great. I wish we could have gone out and done things more instead of just sitting around at home in Florida...  At least I went swimming pretty much every day, which is a rarity for me.

5. Have you started Christmas shopping yet?
Nope, though I am putting some money aside for it already. I don't even know what I want this year yet either because the only thing I want right now is for my life to turn around and change for the better... which is something only God can give according to his will.
08 August 2016 @ 05:26 pm
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I went to Ulta's grand opening today and one of the employees told me that it was extremely busy this morning and many cosmetics were picked over already, which is no surprise to me. Do I really blame the women of Oshkosh for this? No. We were always stuck having to go to Walmart, Target, Shopko, CVS, and Wallgreens for drugstore brands and if we wanted the more expensive brands such as too faced, smashbox, bobbi brown, lancome, Lorac, urban decay and so many others, then we'll have to go to Appleton.  That's the trouble. All the stores I actually like are in Appleton and it's just so hard for me to get there without a car. At least Ulta just opened up here, which makes things somewhat easier for those who live in a city that refuses to grow in business.

After browsing around the store for at least an hour, I walked out with:
Too Faced Natural Eyes eyeshadow
Nyx XXL mascara
Makeup Revolution eyeshadow Iconic 1 which is basically a cheap dupe for UD Naked
Too Faced Semi Sweet chocolate Bar.
ULTA glitter eye top coat

I almost bought too faced bon bons and UD naked 2 but I kinda passed both palettes up because they had shades I wasn't quite in love with. If I'm going to spend 30-50.00 a pop on eyeshadow, I better get something that I really like. I felt myself drawn to that semi sweet chocolate bar so I grabbed that and the natural eye shadow to start out with. Next time I WILL get UD naked 3. I really wanted to get that today but that was out of stock. Oh well. Hopefully I will have better luck next time...
28 May 2016 @ 10:02 pm
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Today David was kind enough to take me on a tour through Ripon Middle School for the last time before it gets torn down in September. If you click on the link below, you will see various hallways, some classrooms, a girl's bathroom the gym, the cafeteria and a few other rooms. Rumor has it that the school janitor hung himself in the closet of the band room and his ghost had haunted the school ever since. I did a little investigating on my own for a brief time and while I did sense something in the band room, I felt even more ghostly energy upstairs and I felt my stomach twist and knot. Still, I ignored it and kept walking through the school. Sadly I didn't have enough time to take pics of all the rooms and the creepy staircases but it's enough to get a good idea of what middle school was like for me.

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Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
23 May 2016 @ 07:52 pm
Shit to do this week:

*Survive my dental appointment.
* Do some laundry
*Ink some drawings and scan them
*Go through my music in my mp3 player and add what I want and don't want
*Charge my camera battery for saturday (going to the middle school for the last time)
*Pack for Memorial Day weekend
*Go for walks as much as I can
*Visit my grandparent's grave if I can this weekend

I think that's pretty much all.
08 April 2016 @ 12:56 am
it will be four years ago next month since I moved from my old place at Mainview Apartments to my current place.  I enjoyed living here for the most part, despite the fact I can no longer have a cat and I suffered a pipe break in the wall last summer which took two months to get fixed.  For now, I will make a post of just my bedroom. I will make another post of my entire apartment in May.

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Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
07 October 2015 @ 03:42 pm
So I found out that my half brother Kurt had joined the Delta chi fraternity, which freaked me out a bit. Looking at the symbolism alone I can tell that the frat is loosely associated with the free masons and the illuminati and jeremy confirmed my suspicions by  saying it was true after we both researched it last night. I don't know what to think to be honest. I know that he joined it thinking he's doing a good thing by helping cancer patients, but he's young and naive...  completely unaware of what really goes on with these frats and secret societies. If he does wake up and leave, it might be too late already because he signed a contract with his own blood. Then came the nightmare i had last night.

I dreamt that my brother graduated from the frat and was on the verge of becoming a 33rd degree mason. In order to achieve that, he has to sacrifice someone he loved and cared about so naturally, he picked me. After walking down a path made with checker board tiles, I found myself laying on this black altar staring up at a marble ceiling. Then a dark priest began his ceremony. My brother mouthed I'm so sorry Lisa as I felt the knife go into my  neck and my blood began to spill. Then I felt myself dying.

I woke up into another realm of subconscioiousness and realized I was in heaven looking down at what's going on around me. My brother looked upset as the priest conclulded the satanic ritual but he wasn't allowed to show any real grief or emotion until he got home. As the years go by, he became rich in his computer business and lived a successful life like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, but he wasn't truly happy. In order to keep stepping up in the business world, he  needed to keep handing over sacrifices. The next one was my mother who neither of us had much feeling for anymore. When she died, I saw her spirit go straight into hell and I found myself sobbing hysterically. "Why"? I kept asking myself repeatedly. "Why?!"  An angel approached me then told me at my mother was a narcissist and she never repented for her sins or showed any kind of remorse for her actions so God had no choice but to send her there and she'll burn for eternity. I should be glad that she's finally paying for her crimes but I felt my heart crack then shatter into a billion little pieces.

"But I asked God to have mercy on her..." I said. I heard myself talk for the first time and realized I had a normal voice like everyone else instead of a speech impediment, but I was grieving for my family and couldn't feel joy for being free from it. "Why didn't he do it?"

"It was the right thing to do but her crimes against you,  your dad and the rest of her family is just too severe to spare her... I'm sorry. "

"If it was God's will then I understand... but how did I get into heaven?

"You repented. You believed and had faith. You put a lot of effort into trying to forgive those who wronged you.  So we sent you here.

I nodded and continue to watch numbly as my brother began to wake up and left the free masons, asking God for help. I couldn't help but smile as he turned away from it but he was about to become the next victim... then I woke up.

Maybe watching that documentary about free mason history last night wasn't such a good idea....