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midnight21
04 October 2011 @ 03:58 pm
My journal is friends only due to dealing with a very stressful life.   If you'd still like to add me as a friend then please leave a comment down below and I'll be more than happy to add you back. Nice to meet you!

♥ ♥ ♥
Lisa
 
 
midnight21
14 July 2018 @ 11:33 pm

A few days ago, I wrote a powerful message of forgiveness to my mother, wanting to make peace with my past for the final time.  Since I was disowned, I honestly wasn't expecting any replies in return and I was starting to feel depressed from it. Jeremy told me that I did my part and the rest was on her. He was right as always.

Days pass by as normal and I almost forgot that I made the post in her facebook messenger. Then all of the sudden, mom replies back to me this morning. She finally explained everything that went on with her marriage and I came to realize that it was my dad and his gayness that made her leave. She wanted to take me with her, but she couldn't provide for me like dad can and she was struggling with a lot of problems. So I stayed with dad while she tried to start over again elsewhere. Then mom said that I never had fetal alcohol syndrome and dad had been lying to me the whole time, leading me to believe that I was fucked up and wasn't capable of living a life for myself. Mom was pissed when she found out about that. She said that the truth is, she wasn't drinking during her pregnancy with me and she placed my health above her needs. However, she was smoking during her pregnancy with me and she apologized for that. She also apologized for missing out on so much in my life and being disconnected from her side of the family.

I was in complete shock and floored by what she said to me. Here is someone who I thought was manipulative and selfish, expecting me to do all the communication for her when she left no contact information for me when she left. She also wanted me to take care of her as well when she couldn't take care of me. Now she is asking me for forgiveness so we can both make peace with our past. This time, there are no strings attached. Why the sudden change of heart? Maybe mom changed because she has heart problems along with stage 3 kidney failure so she probably doesn't have much time left to do this. Then she proceeded to tell me what happened with her marriage to my dad, how it fell apart, and how she didn't want to leave me with my dad but had no choice. She was in no position to take care of me and she didn't have a job to provide for me. Dad gained custody of me because he was the better provider and cook. It caused her a lot of pain to even be near him. She had a hard time accepting the fact he was gay and that he never really loved her in return. My heart broke for her. How could I be so cruel to her when I never understood how she felt about any of this until now? I believe her because I too suffered abuse from my dad. I hated growing up in isolated conditions out in the country. I hated how he kept me from my friends and social activities at school. I hated how he forced me to go on social security and other government benefits to survive when I really wanted to work like everybody else. I hated how he forced me to live in places I didn't want to. Or that he didn't want me to get married and have a family of my own. He wanted me to either get my tubes tied or if I got pregnant, i will have to either give the kid up for adoption or have an abortion because he feels that I cannot live a normal life for myself. I resented him for that but now I can relate to my mom more than ever. I know how she feels, which is all the more reason to forgive her.

The conversation continued until it was time for me to leave. I was going swimming with Jeremy, Jim, and Jordan today. I may be enjoying the newfound freedom from demonic bondages related to my mother, but my real problem is dad, which is very clear to me now.  One day I will face him and take total control of my life but right now I can't because I am alone without defense. If I faced him alone, I will be dealing with a lot of fighting, manipulation, guilt trips, lies, and possibly physical abuse if dad was angry enough with me.  Then David will join in. I know he is a narcissist and he will manipulate me and make things so much worse.  If I had someone with me to help me knock some sense into him then I might have a higher chance of winning this fight for independence.

But until then, I will pray, heal, and work on myself.

 
 
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
 
 
midnight21
02 March 2018 @ 03:02 am
I was bored tonight so I decided to read through some of my old journals from the very beginning and to be honest, it was kind of painful for me to do that because it brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Here are the most significant ones that stood out to me over the past 14 years...

In 2003, I joined deviantart and met my friend Becca, which was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. For the next several years, the friendship was great, but by the time I started collaborating and role playing with her in 2009, that was when I saw her true colors. She thought that co ownership meant that my offspring characters are automatically hers and she is entitled to control them and do whatever she wants with them. I never had a chance to develop my characters properly and in the end, they were ruined. Worst of all, I wasn't allowed to change any of it and I was forced to use concepts I hated just to make her happy. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't handle her controlling behavior anymore so I ended all collaborations, the rpgs, and the friendship by 2010. It was really hard for me to get out of this friendship since she kept trying to pull me back in, but it was one of the best choices I ever made.

In 2004, I was a very bitter and angry person who hated her stepsister Bethany to the core and I don't remember why. I think it was jealousy... she was born without a disability. she had a normal teenage life in school.  She got good grades. she was rather popular and got to spend a lot of time with friends. Meanwhile, I struggled every day in high school and I didn't have many friends at all so I spent most of my time alone. She also got more attention from her parents than I did, which rubbed more salt into my childhood wounds. That was 14 years ago... now that we're both adults and living our own lives, our relationship improved. We're getting along great now and sometimes I actually miss having her around. If I could start over again with Bethany, I would definitely be nicer to her and get to know her more. She could have been a close family member and friend.

In 2005, I met my ex boyfriend Derik roughly around June 9th. I was in a relationship with him for 3 weeks and I dumped him after he pushed me into having sex with him. Then for awhile I battled a case of HPV and a really bad bacterial infection, which lead to pre cervical cancer. I was scared to death of having an operation that would remove the cancerous cells, but the doctors found the right kind of medication for me and the infection cleared up. However, the experience left me mentally scarred for the rest of my life.


From 2004-2007, I was in therapy, which didn't help me at all. I found myself repeating the same problems over and over, and over again and nothing was ever resolved. Instead, they treated me like some medicated guinea pig, putting me on zoloft, lexapro, and ativan. The combination made me worse than I ever was before. I was aggressive, self damaging, and suicidal. I was lashing out at anyone and everyone that ever approached me, especially with members of my own family. I was so scared of my new behaviors that I quit therapy and drugs cold turkey and made a vow to never go back to human resources again.  After I talked to Justin, he said that I was just dealing with unresolved grief and a disability, not a chemical imbalance... which is probably why I reacted to the drugs the way I did...

In the beginning of 2005 I moved to Mainview Apartments, which is now called Raulf Place. That is where I met my friend Justin...

In 2006 and 2007, I went on a trip to florida with the whole family, which was one of the happier moments of my life.

In 2006 I adopted my cat Morgan and she had been my fluffy companion until 2012.

In 2007 I had to see an ENT to fix my hearing problems. It helped my hearing temporarily but it wasn't long before I had problems again....  i guess my lisp and hearing problems are gonna be pernament until I die and there's nothing i can really do about it anymore.

In 2008 Uncle Jeff divorces Aunt Jane after easter.

In 2009, my grandmother got sick then passed away from type 2 diabetes and other complications. Becca was also causing a lot of problems for me so I never really had a chance to grieve for her in peace... I need to visit her gravesite again.

In 2009 I created a new character named Olivia to distract myself from my grandmother's illness and death. For some reason, Becca became so obsessed with the character that she was determined to take control of the character in RPGs then steal her for herself at all costs, even if it meant the end of a 7 year friendship.

In 2009 my friendship with April came to a temporary end, but it fully recovered by the beginning of this year and I thank God for that every day.

In 2009 I meet my new best friend Jeremy through Justin over a broken computer. We had been friends ever since and eventually became lovers for a brief period of time. We're back to being friends now, but I still hold onto hope that he may still come around and admit  his true feelings towards me...

In 2010 my friendship with Becca officially came to an end. I was subjected to stalking, drama, harassment, and abusive smear campaings that went on until 2014. I almost killed myself that year because the grief I experienced from it was unbearable.

2010 i went to fox valley tech for a couple years. unfortunately, i couldn't handle the math classes so i had to drop out.  I also had no sense of direction or purpose in this life so i didn't know what to major in either...

In October 2010 I reunited with my mother. I decided to forgive her and give her another chance to be a part of my life, but she wouldn't take responsibility for her own actions and make any effort to be a part of my life as a mother. After I got into a huge fight with her, she disowned me by 2014. At least i can finally understand why dad got divorced from her when i was ten years old and i got some sort of closure from it.

In 2010 my little brother Kurt had found me on facebook and added me. We reconnected with each other through facebook and i feel proud of him for overcoming so much and is now living a life of his own in colorado. happy birthday little bro! i hope it was a good one.

In 2012 I decided to move from mainview and got myself a 2 bedroom apartment at courtyard apartments, which is where i am at now.

2013 I smoked weed for the first and only time. To be honest, I didn't like it much at all and I prefer to be alert, sober, and aware of my surroundings...

2014 jeremy built me a new desktop computer from scratch and I still use it to this very day. It will soon get an upgrade.

2016 my grandfather passed away on feb 11, the day before my birthday

June 2017 dad sells my childhood home and moves to oshkosh. I inherited some furniture from him too.

2013-2018 i started spending weekends with jeremy and his friends. i would always be out ghost hunting, swimming, exploring places, or going on road trips. I was a little uncomfortable coming out of my "comfort zone" at first, but I grew to love it.

2017-2018 Dad and david spend the first four months of the year in Florida and aunt nancy and uncle richard joined them on feb 3rd. aunt nancy and uncle richard will be coming back around easter while dad and david will be coming home around May.

December 2017 I spent christmas at aunt gail's house, which brought back many childhood memories with my cousin Angela. I also discovered that my cousin michelle got divorced from blake, which was very shocking to me...

Winter 2018 I fell linto a deep depression and suffered a nervous breakdown because it's difficult for me to be alone for long periods of time... i crave love and affection more than ever now.

February 2018 Becca finally stopped using Olivia to provoke me into fighting with her and left me alone around my birthday, which is what I've been wanting for a very long time. I may have lost the battle to gain full ownership and control over the character, but I won the war for freedom and control over my life, characters, and art. The feeling of victory feels pretty great.

January 2018 I got rid of my old bed and purchased a new kitchen table and a temporary vanity table.

February 2018 I finally got a new comforter set with a pair of curtains for the main bedroom. It doesn't seem like a big deal to you but my bedroom had been an eggplant purple color for years. Now it's burgundy red.  It's quite a big change from what I've been used to for the past several years.

February 2018 I experienced the full act of sex with Jeremy, which was 3 weeks ago. I never really planned to go all the way with him but I'm glad that I did and I had protection against pregnancy. It healed me from the pain Derik put me through back in 2005 and it was proof that sex really is different with another guy... someone that you really care about and trust. I decided to put this whole relationship into the hands of God, hoping that he will strengthen our bond to a much deeper level...  because the moment I met him, I heard a tiny little whisper from God: "that's him Lisa. He's the one. You're gonna have some trials and trouble with this one but if you trust me, it will be worth it in the end." You do have my trust Lord. Please take complete control of my life and create a life changing miracle. Amen.

March 2018 I think i might be pregnant, but I could be wrong and it could end up being another weird period. i took a pregnancy test today but it gave me a strange reading. It appeared to have double lines at first but then the bottom line got very blurry. After I suffered a bad panic attack, I reached for the phone to talk to Jeremy about this, but I didn't. In the end, I came to the conclusion that i'm either extremely hormonal right now or I got some issues going on with my reproductive system, especially since I never fully recovered from my cervical cancer scare back in 2005...


Looking back, I honestly can't believe how much I changed here in live journal for the past fourteen years and it's for the better and worst. I have grown a lot and became a better person since then, but I still struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and near attempts,  which is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I just hope that one day I can turn this live journal from a place to vent to a source of positivity, hope, and inspiration for many who are struggling with disabilities, mood disorders, and narcissistic abuse. If I can manage to make a difference in someone's life in more ways than one, then I will be happy.
 
 
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
midnight21
30 December 2017 @ 02:41 pm

2017 has been a great year for new makeup products, which I usually get at Ulta or Walmart. Some of the stuff I've been reaching out for had been out for awhile but I've included some new products that were released this year as well. Let's recap, starting with the eyeshadow:

Favorite Eyeshadows:
Anastasia Beverely HIlls Modern Rennaisance
Anastasia Beverely Hills Prism
Too Faced Natural Love palette
Lorac Megapro 4
Urban Decay Naked 2

Favorite foundations
 Wet 'n Wild photofocus.
Maybelline Fit Me Matte Poreless
Cover Girl Simply ageless in creamy natual
Loreal Lumi Foundation in creamy natural

Favorite pressed powders:
Rimmel Stay Matte, which is only 3.00!
Wet 'n Wild photoready pressed powder
(I need more pressed powders)

Favorite concealer
Maybelline age rewind.
That one is the best for me right now though i plan on getting more concealers soon.

Favorite Blushes
Milani Baked Blush in luminoso
Nars orgasm
Flower: Flower pots powder blush in warm Hibiscus and other lighter colors
Too faced Sweethearts blush in perfect flush
Milani Powder Blush in tea rose

Favorite Highlighters
Makeup Revolution Vivid Baked Highlighter
Maybelline Master Chrome
Wet 'n Wild highlighting powder
Makeup Revolution Vivid Shimmer Brick
Becca Highlighter in champange

Mascara:
Loreal Lash paradise. I've been using this daily and i haven't been reaching for much of anything else.
Rimmel Scandal eyes retro glam

Lips:
I usually go for nude lipstics from maybelling. I'm not much for lip products since they wear off so quickly....

Brows:
Maybelline brow pecise micro pencil
a brow pencil from loreal with a kabuki brush

Setting spray:

Elf setting spray for 3.00
Milani Make it last

What are your favorite products of the year that are worth mentioning?

 
 
midnight21
15 April 2017 @ 05:49 am
I couldn't sleep tonight so I decided to read the book of Job in the bible.

I never gave him much thought but after reading his entire life's story, I came to realize that I am a lot like him... especially when it comes to toxic friendships. Like Job I suffered a lot and lost so much in this life. For starters, my mother was drinking and smoking during her pregnancy and I was forced to live with fetal alcohol syndrome for the rest of my life. I never had a chance to live a normal and successful life because of what she did to me and I suffered daily from it. Then she neglected me as a child, abandoned me as a teenager, then finally disowned me as an adult by 2010. I also faced bullying, stigma, social rejection, discrimination, exclusion, and ableism from others. That made it hard for me to succeed in school, college, and the job market and I was forced to live on SSI and other government benefits just to survive. Then dad kicked me out of his house by the time I was in my early 20s and forced me to live in an apartment building I didn't want to live in from 2004-2012. I was miserable the entire time and my entire life got worse from there, especially when I had a very brief relationship in 2005 and I was raped. Then in 2009, things started going wrong in my friendship with Becca. She was jealous of my creativity and wanted it for herself. In order to do that, she made me role play with her and set very strict rules. All offspring characters were expected to look and act like her characters and I was not allowed to express myself whatsoever or make any changes. Every time I would try to create an offspring character to use in the RPG, she would always take control of my characters and dictate how they should look, act, feel, and live before stealing them for herself. Then she would use co ownership to get away with theft and make sure that she got what she wanted while I ended up with nothing. It lead to a huge character ownership dispute which made me lose several online friends and an in person friendship with someone I had known through most of my life as a result. Even though Becca already got what she wanted, she's been using my character Olivia as bait to deliberately provoke me into fighting with her for the sake of attention. It's taking every ounce of self control not to respond to her knowing that I won't win and nothing will be resolved. Worst of all, my once close knit extended family is breaking apart from each other, leaving me feeling abandoned and alone once again. Last but not least, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and near attempts for the past 20 years... possibly longer than that. I would beg God to kill me and put me out of my misery but then i would cry in total despair when I wake up the next day. Why did I suffer so much Lord? I kept asking. What did I do to deserve this difficult and lonely life?

Then I read through the book of Job and realized that he was a lot like me in a lot of ways and I can relate to him more than the other biblical figures, even when it comes to friendships. When I fully turned to God after dealing with that bad relationship in 2005, I noticed that my life got more and more difficult. Did I do something wrong and was God punishing me for it? No... I think he was testing me. Building faith with God is like building trust in a  friendship. God will test you to see how strong your faith really is and he will restore almost everything you've lost in the past and give you a happy ending. I don't know how well I'm doing with this test. I mean I fail to keep friendships for several reasons and my friendship with Jay recently ended because I don't agree with the idea that God only helps those who help themselves. Yet I haven't turned my back on God and I still hold my faith in him. I am also repenting for my many sins, especially now that we're officially in the great tribulation. As I begin to work on myself to become a better person, I still hold onto faith that things will turn out in the end and I think things were starting to change already. I am free from that oppressive environment and I'm in a bigger and better apartment building now that isn't full of crazy people. I managed to break free from becca's control over me and I refuse to take her back as a friend and let her control my characters again. I finally understand why my dad got divorced from my mother and I found closure with that after mom disowned me. God healed me and spared me from Cervical Cancer resulting from HPV after I was raped. He prevented me from becoming a man hating feminist and learned to trust men again, starting with Justin and Jeremy, whom I became very good friends with. Maybe life isn't so bad, but my condition is wearing me down so much to the point where i just want to fall asleep and not wake up again. Still, I will remind myself again that this is only temporary and things will be okay in the end. I just have to be patient and trust his perfect timing.

Amen.
 
 
 
midnight21
11 April 2017 @ 08:53 pm
5 years ago in May 2012 (it feels longer than that), I moved from my first apartment to where I am now. I decided to post photos of my bedroom to start off with then I will post the rest of my place in May. Enjoy.

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Current Mood: goodgood
 
 
midnight21
17 October 2016 @ 02:27 am
I had another visionary nightmare last night that's about to come true.

I dreamt that there was a huge war going on between the US, Syria, Russia, and lastly China, who had just betrayed the US. The fighting outside was so intense that I retreated to a basement or the bomb shelter, cowering in fear. I kept hearing explosions non stop and I heard the screams of innocent people and children crying. I wanted to reach out and help them to safety but the building above ground collapsed and the doorway was blocked by broken boards and debris. All I can do is listen to the screams of people dying above me and smell the smoke rising from their ashes.

I put my hands up to my ears to block out the screaming and crying and then there was silence. I felt the hot tears rolling down my face knowing that the people outside were dead. Then another nuclear bomb went off a few feet away from my hiding place, killing me instantly. I had no idea what hit me and i didn't feel any pain. My entire world just went black as if I had gone under for surgery and I found myself in heaven looking for Jesus, my grandparents, and those that lived and died before me. The dream ended and I woke up, feeling anxious through the rest of the day and I couldn't figure out why. In fact, I was so anxious that I flip out easily and I ended up fighting with Jeremy and Justin over the phone, only to regret it later.

Then later that evening, I started browsing the news. While people were so obsessed with Trump, Hillary, and the election, I found out that Obama took one step closer to declaring war with Russia and from the sounds of things, we just attacked Yemen and soon we'll be fighting globally again. I fear the worst for the future of this country....
 
 
Current Mood: scaredscared
 
 
midnight21
19 August 2016 @ 07:15 pm
1. What’s your favorite way to stay cool in late summer?
I was in florida this summer so I stayed cool by staying in the house which has central air conditioning and spent a lot of time in the pool.

2. Are you ready for autumn yet?
Absolutely! I'm done with this heat and humidity. I'm also looking forward to lower electric bills too.

3. What do you have left to do before summer ends?
Nothing really. However, I would like to get some artwork done and I need a new pair of running shoes...

4. Has it been a good summer for you?
It was okay but it wasn't great. I wish we could have gone out and done things more instead of just sitting around at home in Florida...  At least I went swimming pretty much every day, which is a rarity for me.

5. Have you started Christmas shopping yet?
Nope, though I am putting some money aside for it already. I don't even know what I want this year yet either because the only thing I want right now is for my life to turn around and change for the better... which is something only God can give according to his will.
 
 
midnight21
08 August 2016 @ 05:26 pm
Ulta  
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I went to Ulta's grand opening today and one of the employees told me that it was extremely busy this morning and many cosmetics were picked over already, which is no surprise to me. Do I really blame the women of Oshkosh for this? No. We were always stuck having to go to Walmart, Target, Shopko, CVS, and Wallgreens for drugstore brands and if we wanted the more expensive brands such as too faced, smashbox, bobbi brown, lancome, Lorac, urban decay and so many others, then we'll have to go to Appleton.  That's the trouble. All the stores I actually like are in Appleton and it's just so hard for me to get there without a car. At least Ulta just opened up here, which makes things somewhat easier for those who live in a city that refuses to grow in business.

After browsing around the store for at least an hour, I walked out with:
Too Faced Natural Eyes eyeshadow
Nyx XXL mascara
Makeup Revolution eyeshadow Iconic 1 which is basically a cheap dupe for UD Naked
Too Faced Semi Sweet chocolate Bar.
ULTA glitter eye top coat

I almost bought too faced bon bons and UD naked 2 but I kinda passed both palettes up because they had shades I wasn't quite in love with. If I'm going to spend 30-50.00 a pop on eyeshadow, I better get something that I really like. I felt myself drawn to that semi sweet chocolate bar so I grabbed that and the natural eye shadow to start out with. Next time I WILL get UD naked 3. I really wanted to get that today but that was out of stock. Oh well. Hopefully I will have better luck next time...
 
 
midnight21
28 May 2016 @ 10:02 pm
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Today David was kind enough to take me on a tour through Ripon Middle School for the last time before it gets torn down in September. If you click on the link below, you will see various hallways, some classrooms, a girl's bathroom the gym, the cafeteria and a few other rooms. Rumor has it that the school janitor hung himself in the closet of the band room and his ghost had haunted the school ever since. I did a little investigating on my own for a brief time and while I did sense something in the band room, I felt even more ghostly energy upstairs and I felt my stomach twist and knot. Still, I ignored it and kept walking through the school. Sadly I didn't have enough time to take pics of all the rooms and the creepy staircases but it's enough to get a good idea of what middle school was like for me.

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Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful