Lately I've been rather sensitive to criticism... extremely sensitive.

Don't get me wrong. When it comes to things like artwork, I welcome constructive criticism where people point out some good things, areas that need some work of improvement and show me how to do it, then point out another good thing. When people use this method of criticism, it makes things less stressful, painful, and it may actually boost one's confidence and skill.

But when a person beocomes critical about everything from drawings to life, it becomes very stressful and draining for me. It's like some people like to force their opinions on me and expect me to change overnight. Then people start accusing me of things that aren't even true and they never give me a break. While I appreciate them trying to help, but i think it's the worst thing people can do to each other.

Constant criticism makes people feel as if no matter what you do, nothing is good enough for them. It discourages others, severely damaging one's self confidence and self esteem. It puts them in blocks and it could even make a person lose interest in something that was once special to them. It makes them feel belittled and underappreciated. Worst of all, it puts you through depression and anxiety, bringing on the fear of failure.

The sad thing is, many people fall into the path of criticism and they don't realize how destructive it could be, almost as a form of domnestic abuse. It has done great damage to me already and I'm doing the best I can to recover from it all and gain my interests back that I once lost. It's not easy, but it's managable. I'm also trying to learn to be myself and love myself again, even though life isn't so great at the moment.

Please don't let yourself fall into the criticsm trap it could not only hurt a person but it may end friendships as well. Be constructive!!! Being constructive can go a really long way. Remember that <3

Tags: writer's block
Current Mood: blah

I actually do several small tasks before bedtime. I shut down the computer and television, sometimes unplugging most appliances during a storm but the fridge. I sometimes take a shower before bed if I feel too dirty to crawl into the sheets. I brush my teeth before bed, sometimes flossing. I feed and water my bottomless pit stomach of a cat. Last but not least I pray and read a couple chapters of the bible per night. Or sometimes I just read- usually manga novels or some paranormal book.

I guess I've always been a multi-tasker, just as long as it doesn't get too overwhelming. Maybe I'm just weird.

Tags: writer's block
Current Mood: bored

At the moment it would be my computer. It's been giving me problems lately and Avast is kinda confusing to work with when it comes to virus protection, especially when I have to register and there's no key. I swear to god I downloaded the free version!

My biggest complaint about this PC right now is that it's painfully slow, thanks to spyware. Rather than just smashing it with a crowbar and have sparks flying, I'm just going to get it reformatted. Once reformatted and free of spyware, it will be back to its former fast glory.

I hope.

Tags: smashed, writer's block
Current Mood: annoyed

The victorian era. For some reason I just feel drawn to it, as if I really belong to it. Everything about that era and lifestyle feels oddly familiar to me, like a memory from a dream etched into my mind. An incredibly haunting feeling... Especially when it comes to Russia during the early 1900s. To be honest, I feel like I don't belong in this time or era at all. Like I'm a complete stranger, an old soul.

Plus I'm also drawn to the old fashioned houses, decor, the gowns women wore, and the general lifestyle. If I could ever afford a house one day, it would definitely be a victorian one! Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

Tags: time travel, writer's block

I wish that I still had a mother and that she never picked up her drinking and smoking habits. I wish that she was there by my side when I was growing up. I wish that she came to my graduation instead of my friends. I wish she was there to guide and support me and in the end, i'd be there for her too. But she's gone and I lost her. There isn't no way of getting her back due to abandonment...

I also wish that I had Ronnie back. I lost her when I was 10 years old and she never had a chance to live her life. I would have gladly let her killer david spanbauer kill me just so she could live. But she's gone.

On my list of the things i lost, it's mostly human lives. Aunt Gladys. Mom. Hillary's baby. Ronnie. My dad's ex girlfriend. Heather. Dewey. Even Virago. I also want my old friends from high school back but they moved on with their lives in other states and it's very hard to contact them. Material positions mean nothing to me (though it would have been nice if i kept the MLP collection i had growing up) and they can be replaced. Human lives can't be.

I still love them all, no matter what mom and virago had done to me in the past. I can only hope that one day, we'll all meet again...

Tags: lost & found, writer's block
Current Mood: lonely

Yes, of course. To be honest, my "spring cleaning" has been going on for the past year or so. I have too much stuff, too little storage. Plus I seem to lack organizational skills and it seems to add onto the chaos and problems of life. It may even add onto my depression/anxiety and I probably don't even realize it.

Since I may finally move at last late '08 to '09, I might as well take the time to go through everything I own and put it in a big pile. I probably have tons of stuff that no longer matter to me, even though I did get rid of 40 garbage bags full of stuff. At least i don't have stuff falling out anymore. It's just unorganized and my bedroom closet is an endless nightmare.

I think I have decided to get rid of most of my beanie babies which are taking up room. I may get rid of several my little ponies. I may get rid of decor items that no longer fit. I may get rid of old posters that I had stored away for years. I may get rid of some old shoes. Maybe even a comforter set or two. Then I'm going to wash windows, dust which needs it badly, wash floors, whatever needs to be done.

Lately I've been asking: why do I even keep half the stuff that I no longer use or touched in 3 years? What purpose does it serve? Am I too damn sentimental? Maybe so.

I just hope I can eliminate this sort of chaos in my life at least. Hopefully I may think with a clearer head.

Tags: spring cleaning, writer's block
Current Mood: blah

If I was independently wealthy, I would do a lot with the cash in my bank account. But since these are short term goals for the most part and some a bit far off into the future, here they are as listed:

1. Get the hell out of my apartment. While packing up, I'd look for a real Victorian home from the turn of the century, fully renovated that fits today's needs in technology. The whole house would be filled with classic furniture, stained glass windows in almost every room, antique collections, elegantly framed artwork, oriental rugs, pretty wallpaper, old fashioned bathrooms ect ect ect. It would have a victorian feel to it, as if you had stepped into time. In my bedroom there would even be a mannequin wearing an old fashioned victorian gown and shoes! My friend Karine has told me that I don't seem to belong in this time...but in the english victorian ages. How weird is that? As for where I haven't thought much about this one yet.

2. My next move would be to get a car. I don't require a fancy sports car or an SUV but I want something small, good on gas, and environmentally friendly. I seem to be partial to those Honda Accord Hybrids, which they don't seem to make anymore.

3. Buy a new wardrobe. Granted, I love to thrift shop and pick up clothes that are well under 10.00 a piece. But due to the weight loss and craving for a "newer" and more sophisticated look, I'd love to invest in new shirts and jeans. Even a new pair of shoes and a much needed swimsuit.

4. Get a haircut. I haven't had one since last april and I've been long overdue... maybe it will happen sooner or later.

5. Buy a new desk. My current one isn't put together very well at all and it's been falling apart. One of the drawers are being closed together with duct tape. You heard me, duct tape.

6. Invest in a laptop. I always wanted one.

7. Join a weight loss club!

8. find a support group that would put my mental illnesses to an end.

9. Finally be able to take some college courses... i still have to figure out for what.

10. Buy some anime dvds and a lot of the manga that i've been wanting to grab a hold of for such a long time.

11. Put the rest of the money aside for future use such as marriage, children, career changes, expenses, ect ect ect

12. last but not least, donate a chunk of it to charity. Say a couple thousand towards mental health research so therapists can find new and better ways to treat those with emotional and anxiety problems. It's a real bitch to deal with and I'd like to see people heal from it and learn to smile again. The same goes for myself...

13. Get my dad a new car as a thank you gift for raising me and putting up with me through all these years- a just because gift. and of course gifts for friends and family

I hate to say it, but money DOES buy happiness in my case...

Tags: where in the world, writer's block
Current Mood: uncomfortable

While I was in a good mood the other day, someone IMed me and the first thing they said was that I worry too much. At first I thought the person was nuts, thinking that it's something you do not talk to a person about first thing, but maybe later in a conversation. Needless to say, I was slightly upset about it and annoyed that people are ALWAYS pointing out my flaws and never tell me how to fix them or tell me the good things. I guess destructive criticism is one of my biggest pet peeves, along with being reminded of my past mistakes on a regular basis, never letting me forget it or let it go.

But after thinking about it... that person is right. I worry way too much and I have neurotic behavior. About 6 years ago, I was okay. I did indeed battle depression like i am now four years ago, but anxiety was nearly non existent. By the time I was forced to move out into the world at the age of 22, anxiety became severe. So severe in fact that I could barely function at times and I have no idea how to go about things, afraid that I'll fail or that I may be doing something wrong and I'll never know how to fix it. As I gain experience in adulthood and sticky situations like boyfriends, my anxiety levels went down a bit. However, the physical effects of anxiety is still there. My hands and feet are still tingling and my muscles and face sometimes twitches, which happens mostly in bed. Sometimes I can feel tingling in my brain and I've been battling hypertension. Yet somehow I manage to live through the days without doing something drastic like cutting or attempting suicide like another member of my family. Unfortunately, stress is making my moods and emotions out of control and it's getting difficult to manage it. I'm almost afraid that I'd be taking the route of my stepsister and be successful about it and disappear from the earth if nothing got better.

The thing I worry about the most is being alone for the rest of my life. I've always had a difficult time making friends and keeping them. When I had a small group of friends in high school, it was hard for me to get out and do things with them since I lived in the country and my dad didn't take me to their houses very often. So I was home by myself, usually spending my hours reading or playing video games. Lack of social contact, most likely due to having a lisp made me timid and very insecure of others. Then after graduation, they moved on with their lives and left me behind. It's been happening on the internet lately as well, making me feel lonely all over again. It's breaking me apart inside and I'm losing sense of myself and the will to live. And the silence is driving me crazy.

I also fear that I'd never fall in love with anybody or ever get married, not even having a family. Everyone else is changing around me, including my family is getting lives of their own and I'm stuck and left behind. I only had one boyfriend and that went to hell, and it changed me forever. What if I'm never accepted by anybody? What kind of meaning would my life have if any? More than ever I just want to be loved. Having one person to tell me that they love me would make me so happy and joyful. I haven't heard those words in such a long time.

I'm sorry for rambling on about past problems again... my emotions are toying with my chest and I just had to get that train of thought out before I go to bed. I really don't want another nightmare.

Goodnight...

Tags: neurotic behavior, writer's block
Current Mood: lonely

I think some people just don't get along with me because we're too different for each other, we're both too stubborn, or both had very strong beliefs that neither of us are willing to bend or compromise. Then there's the criticism. While I am completely fine with constructive and positive criticism, sometimes I just can't handle constant negative criticism. What I'm talking about is when people constantly point out my flaws and mistakes in life and art and they fail to back it up with something positive. In the end I get hurt and sensitive and maybe even take things as a personal attack. This has happened before. I'm sorry that I made some people mad in the past but I do realize that you all are trying to help me, even if some where a bit harsh about it and I'm thankful for that.

On top of it all, I'm also dealing with a constant battle of anxiety and severe depression, which is eating me alive. Sometimes I feel as if I can't control myself anymore and I'm sometimes afraid to be around people. At the same time, I often feel alone on this where not too many people would understand where I'm coming from at all.

Quite honestly, I wish that I had a way to fight my insanely sensitive nature and my out of control emotions. But due to lack of feeling secure with anything, it's going to be very hard to do so.

At least I may be moving out soon. It may provide a clue to who I really am as a person and finally have direction that I've been looking for so long. Maybe with time, the deepest wounds may heal and I may be able to deal with people more easily by then. Maybe I'll even find true love that would make us feel complete.

I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I wish I did. In the meantime I'll try harder to control my mood swings...

Tags: getting along, writer's block
Current Mood: blank

Believe it or not, 20.00 can buy me a lot of stuff.

Practical:
1. a week's worth of groceries- seriously.
2. Cat supplies like food, treats and cat litter (it's no longer cheap but it should be around 14.00 or so)
3. 3 shirts from a thrift store, maybe 4.
4. Earbuds for my new mp3 player. It's sad that the sound quality is already crackly. I list this under practical since music is indeed a necessity to drown out the insanity that's been driving me mad at the transit station and my apartment for years.

Frivolous
1. 2 japanese manga novels
2. A dvd that I've been wanting for awhile or a CD
3. Art stuff

Choosing:
1. throw blankets
2. a new set of curtains
3. a new art print for the bedroom or something

Saving:
Print frames for the bedroom- if i put away 20.00 for 4 weeks, i'd have over 60.00 which is more than enough.
Art Easel. I've been wanting one for my bedroom for a long time along with some canvas. It's the same case scenario but I may be getting one with my tax money that I get back.

That should be enough... I'm going to bed. I don't feel good anymore since stress and anxiety has made me sick and tired, suffering nausea at the same time.

Tags: last $20, writer's block
Current Mood: blah