The Midnight Scrolls

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sat, 17 May 2008 04:35:24 GMT

*Sigh* When will I ever be blessed?

I'm getting tired of having everything go wrong and nothing going right while everyone else is blessed with their greatest desires and wishes like having great jobs, great friends to do things with in person, a boyfriend, get married, have kids, a life, a new home, knowing what to go to college for...

Does god want me to live in misery? I've tried everything and I've been waiting for 7 long years and I've been in this hellhole apartment that I call home for 4... how much longer do I have to wait for good things to happen? until I'm too old and it's too late to even enjoy life? In my 80s and 90s? I'll look so pretty walking down the aisle at 80 and try to give birth at 90 and get a job at 100 or when i'm dead.

Maybe I shouldn't even be alive. It will never happen...happiness will never be mine.

I think i'll just cry myself to sleep tonight. I got a headache anyway dealing with the computer repairmen... i'll talk about that later.

Wow.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Fri, 16 May 2008 20:41:32 GMT

It's really strange. Whenever I read the bible, ask for forgiveness, say a few prayers and ask for a blessing or two, weird things tend to happen whenever I'm dreaming, even though I feel warm and content inside. Sometimes I get struck with hideous nightmares that I mentioned in LJ a couple times. Sometimes I get the shadow man dreams who hangs around me through every situation, often having two kids with him. Other times I get dreams that make absolutely no sense, like last night.

Last night I dreamt that I was at my aunt's house last night and uncle jeff seemed to be in the process of redoing his home. Ever since aunt jane divorced him and went with some other man, their beautiful home deteriorated. The walls were old and cracked. Ryan's baby pictures seemed to be covered with dust and cobwebs. Uncle Jeff's bedroom was a mess. The upstairs was gray and cloudy, as if it was covered by a thick layer of dust or haunted by a spirit. Ryan and alex's bedrooms seemed to be closed off, their doors nailed together, as if they probably grew up and left the nest. The downstairs bathroom had a completely rusted tub with nasty red stains in it, and the jets no longer worked. The toilet was in the same condition and there seemed to be a crack in the seat. Not much repairs was done to the house itself, but he probably got started with it. Barely.

Then I went down to the shed area and I saw some golden retriever puppies. My aunt has a male golden retriever named Copper and he's 7 years old. I find it odd that there would be puppies running around because the dog is fixed and there's no female in sight. Their mother was gone, but i was holding one of the puppies and stroked its fur. It was friendly and loving as if he wanted to go home with me, but I knew I couldn't with my living situation.

Then when I least expected it, I saw aunt jane pull into the driveway with her car. She seemed to age a bit, but she was still quite pretty and got rather thin for her age as a result from working out- i think she was like a size 12/14 before she got the divorce. Scooting towards a window, I saw her and uncle jeff talk to each other. They weren't fighting, just talking. But uncle jeff looked sad and heartbroken. The expression on his face suggested that he is still in love with her, but he never really knew how to express it after being brought up by a strict father. On top of that, he was always working, a bit of a workaholic. Before he could say I'm sorry and hug her, I woke up.

It's just strange... What's even stranger is that I saw them getting a divorce in a dream 5 years ago and it recently happened for real!

scooby194@hotmail.com — Fri, 16 May 2008 10:37:00 GMT

LOL!!!! I've been banned from the saucydwellings community. To be honest, even though I liked looking at the rooms and decorations they had in their homes, I hated their strict and snotty attitude. For the past couple of Fridays, I've been trying to post the "Show me your..." posts, which are welcome in that community on a Friday. I've been wanting to see photos of people's apartment living rooms, so I can be inspired to tie mine together.

Lately, my living room has been pissing me off. No matter what I do to it, it never looked good enough like my bedroom. It always seems to lack something and it's always blah. And because I spend a lot of time in here on the computer, I feel as if I must make this place as livable as possible, even though I hate this apartment building with a passion.

Instead of getting inspiration like I wished for, my posts kept getting deleted by the staff. What is so wrong with wanting to see apartment living rooms? I wasn't being overly specific or even descriptive! I just wanted some living rooms. Then I left a comment wondering why they kept deleting those posts and I end up getting banned.

I do not know how long I'll be banned for and I do not care. I'm sick of their snooty, prissy attitude, thinking they're better than everyone else in the world. I've had enough. I'm gone. I'll stick with the less "high profile" communities like ourbedrooms. Or even ourapartments At least people there are more tolerant of one an another and seem to be more understanding of people's living situations.

*sigh*

scooby194@hotmail.com — Fri, 16 May 2008 10:24:49 GMT

Well, today is finally Friday. I'm kinda glad that it is because I've been hoping that the maintenance would come and install my air conditioner. It's been hot in my apartment even though it's 60 degrees outside and the air is heavy. Sometimes I have a hard time breathing in this place, which might have sparked abnormal allergies that I didn't have 4 years ago, like pollen, generic prescription drugs and dust.

I'm also hoping that I'd get my computer back today. I'm not putting too much faith in it because there's other computers that needs to be fixed and there's only a couple guys working. It would be nice to have a fully functional computer though. This one runs okay for awhile, but then it gets slow and sometimes things would just freeze up. Plus there's not enough memory and I can't work on drawings very well or even have a virus protection system. But it's enough for me to chat and go to the sites that I usually visit, such as LJ and DA.

*Sigh*

How the hell do I manage to stay sane? Seriously.

Anyway, enough rambling. I better get to bed. Wish me luck!

The moon

scooby194@hotmail.com — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:46:48 GMT

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

It's funny. This silly little quiz I took out of boredom had hit me right on the nail. I probably do have hidden enemies, tricks, and falsehoods- I got a bad relationship right now that I'm in the process of ending if I'm brave enough to do it. I'm also going through a rough year, an endless emotional and mental trial. All this time I've been avoiding alcohol for the most part, drugs, controling friendships, and anything that might physically harm me. I could easily become a cutter like so many that are under a great deal of emotional distress but I'm avoiding every temptation the best I can and not let myself fall into that trap. Life sucks, but I won't let myself do something that will damage me for the rest of my life. God put me on this earth for a reason and I have to find out... I believe I'm getting close to it.

On a lighter note, I do have psychic abilities to a degree- I've predicted a divorce, columbine, september 11, possibly a rapture and even a math class. I'm also getting reocurring dreams about having this shadow husband follow me around wherever I go and often had two children that are mine with him. Maybe this reocurring dream may be a sign that something might happen when I least expect it, so I'll keep a half open eye out for that one for the next few years and see what happens. I don't have much faith in relationships these days but something will happen.

I also seem to have insight and a good grasp on things. I've gone through a lot throughout my life and while things seem bleak and miserable, I've gained knowledge on a lot of situations and seem to have answers for them except for the career and path thing. I may not be bright school wise, but I am with common sense and dealing with problems. Maybe that's why so many people seem to come to me seeking advice in the past, which is such a wonderful thing to be trusted like this!

Another true thing about me is that I seem to have a creative streak. I love to decorate, even though I'm on a next to nothing budget and the fact I hate my apartment and living room with a passion. I am a furry artist and I draw all the time. I often role play as well and I just love to exchange ideas with others all the time. Much of the time, whatever story plots I have is inspired from actual history, my own life, and the crazy ideas that goes on in my friends heads. Unfortunately, I don't write fiction anymore like i used to. The interest left after suffering so many blocks and dealing with the pressure to be perfect and avoiding the mary sue syndrome. Plus I had a hard time getting thoughts down on paper and was constantly worried whether or not i made sense. I found drawing much easier for me to deal with. I suppose some people are writers while others are artists...

Meh. I suppose I should start trusting and believing in myself more often along with others. That is one of my biggest weak points after having my confidence crushed to bits after a course of events that happened in my life. I think that if I gain that back somehow, things would be fine.

Okay. time to go to bed. I'm rambling over this stupid quiz but I was trying to become sleepy enough so i can finally go to bed. I guess it did the job well.

Goodnight.

another awkward dream

scooby194@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 May 2008 22:20:41 GMT

It feels nice to be sleeping normally and have inspiration come back to me. However, I've been having weird dreams again. I dreamt that I somehow died and became a ghost, almost invisible to the world.

Just when I thought no one will notice me after witnessing a funeral, someone did. Screaming in terror, they ran away. Others were staring at me wide eyed with fear. They walked away, pretending they didn't see anything.

Then my mysterious husband came up to me and put his arms around my body, nuzzling my neck. I was pale and see through but I felt solid to my husband. He gripped onto me as if he never wanted to let me go, not saying anything.

The only difference in this mystery husband dream is that I can see faint outlines of his body and bits of his face. His body was gray and shadow like. It's like I almost know him...

Reocurring dreams about a romantic, supportive husband and our two children in almost any situation. What does it mean? This time I wasn't even thinking or wishing for a husband- I was just meerly reading part of the biblical book Leviticus and the beginning of Revelations and said a few prayers in hopes that my sinful nature would be forgiven and my soul strengthened against all things... Not to mention, I was also entirely focused on careers thinking about becoming a counselor again.

ugh. so confusing!!!

Peaceful again.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:08:14 GMT

Peace is wonderful. It's been so long since I felt peaceful emotions despite the chronic emptiness that it felt almost foreign to me. I had forgotten how peaceful it was to go about daily life and just simply draw something without worrying about someone attacking you with critical ideas and forced opinions.

Just when I thought I had lost interest in art completely, it's been coming back when I least expected it and I'm almost out of my block. When I showed a few of my friends some of my work, they've noticed improvement and I can see it too. In fact, I see a pattern. Whenever I start getting stressed out, my artwork doesn't turn out as well and the desire to draw just goes away. When I feel better, I just pick up a pencil and doodle, it just comes back. Along with it, there may be improvements as well.

I would consider art as a career, but I'm skeptical. Art is a hobby I have and it's something to socialize about and an outlet of my desires and emotions. If I turn it into a professional career, I'm afraid that my art blocks will become so severe from the pressure to be perfect or demands that I may just lose interest like my writing 5 years ago.

I dunno...

It's definitely time for some soul searching. definitely time.

broken free

scooby194@hotmail.com — Mon, 12 May 2008 22:53:39 GMT

so about 5 AM last night, I decided to write a break up letter to my friend. I haven't sent it yet, because I've been worrying that I might be sounding too dramatic, immature or hostile. But I did use my feelings and wrote a letter similar to a mock letter that someone left me in a comment. I thank that person whole heartedly, because it did make things much easier for me. I will give this letter to a couple of my closer friends and see what I think. My goal isn't to hurt that person or get revenge... I just want to move on and let things be peaceful for both of us. I also want to reclaim myself that had been lost due to broken confidence and the pressure to be perfect by their standards. That just felt almost inhuman to me.

It's just sad how people change over time just when you think you know them. but i guess that's the game of life. I just hope that I can find more people that can leave a powerful positive influence on me in the near future and I can do the same for them.

Ending jealousy.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sun, 11 May 2008 18:00:03 GMT

I admit it. I'm a jealous person. Sometimes I envy people who are married, have children, and live rich social lives. I envy people who have money and careers. I envy people who can afford things like cars and houses. I envy people who have close knit families that aren't dysfunctional or split apart. I envy people who go fun places and travel the world. Most of all, I envy happy people who are in love.

It's been poisoning me and killing my soul. I've been comparing my life to others and I felt invisible. I've been angry with life, thinking that I'll never get anywhere or never find love. Perhaps my anger and frustration might have killed a couple friendships.

But I've been learning how to forgive and be happy for others, even though it's really hard to when a person is miserable with their life. I've been learning how to be content with the idea of going at my own pace and realize that things will come in place for me soon, especially with the moving part. Most of all, I'm learning to forgive the people who wronged me like my mother.

Instead of being upset over mother's day, I'm looking at this like a personal trial to see where I stand once again against temptations. So far, I'm not upset or jealous in the least. I've forgiven my mum for the crimes she committed against me. She won't get any gifts for mother's day, but once again I will pray for her tonight in hopes that she'll change her ways and come back to me, wanting to start over again. It took so much strength and will power, but i did it. And for once I feel at peace, even on mother's day. At least I get to be with my family today at aunt nancy's house and grandma's still hanging in there. At this point, that's all what matters to me.

In the end things will come together for me. I can feel it.

Lover...

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sat, 10 May 2008 03:36:43 GMT

So today I got a dream dictionary after paying for my groceries. It's called Dream Dictionary- an A to Z Guide to Understanding Your Unconscious Mind by Tony Crisp in hopes that I'd be able to crack open some dreams.

Especially the recurring dream about a shadowy male figure and his two children that are my own...

My friend Crazy Dragon was indeed right with a lot of my dreams- a lot of them revolved around anxiety. Some of my dreams can forewarn future events. Maybe eventually dreams can help me solve my problems, which is my last hope.

1. End-Of-World Dreams and fantasies Depicts the powerful and threatening inner and outer changes that accompany major life transitions and social changes. The transition from childhood to adolescence, for instant, is the end of the world that existed for the whole lifetime of the individual up until this point. Such points of transition occurr several times in life of anyone who dares to grow and adapt. Menopause for women, the leaving home of children, the loss of a job, retirement, loss of a partner or health, can all be represented by the end of the world or a world.

Notes: A few weeks ago I did have an end-of-world dream where the whole world went up in flames and everyone was in a panic. While it could be an actual prophecy of the book of Revelations in the bible, it could also be linked to what's been going on with my family. Aunt Jane and Uncle Jeff got a divorce. Aunt Gail and Uncle Dave are separated, maybe divorced as well. Grandma is dying. Bethany is in a halfway house for the mentally ill and she's on her way to recovery. There's indications that I could be moved out anytime soon. Plus I've been having friendship problems, mostly with Virago and another friend of mine. It's unfortunate, but it happens. But it won't last forever. It could also mean that I may head into a relationship soon with someone when i least expect it or maybe finally know what to do in life. The meaning behind this dream is indeed intriguing.

2. Lover: At a straightforward level, the dreamt-of lover is an expression of all the emotional longing and unexpressed sensual desires that we have. In injoyment or pain we feel in the dream, the lover is an enactment in the virtual reality of our dreams, of the perhaps secret desires we have, the unmet needs, the fears and pains we have in intimacy. As an archetypal image, it holds in it all the massive racial and cultural forces that attract and bind two people together- all the degrees and levels of maturity in love- and also all the attraction and difficulties we face in meeting our growth as a person toward wholeness. Because the image connects with all our personal and transpersonal experiences of love, it may well hold in the trauma of childhood abuse, which may work out in a series of dreams or fantasies regarding the lover. The lover is also a connection with life beyond the boundaries of personal self.

Note: This is one of my most common recurring dreams of a shadowy male figure that's 6 feet tall with a medium build that's always there for me, even though I can't see him. He helps me get through any situation and is always there to lend me a shoulder to cry on. He's also an excellent husband and a father to his children, which appear to be mine.
Maybe it is entirely possible that this man is a desire and emotional longing for unexpressed desires that I have, the unfulfilled aspects of life. I do have fear and I have dealt with so much pain during intimacy. And sadly, I was abused when I was younger, emotionally and ocassionally physically. I never liked to talk about abuse that often because it's something I just want to block out of my mind and forget for the rest of my life. I also want to forget that memory because I want to be a great mother in the future and not let history repeat itself.
However... this dream is reocuring. Is this an indication that I will have a real lover soon? I did state once before that I can sometimes see the future and events seem to happen 1-6 years later after a significant or a repeated dream.

Perhaps I'll never know.

The mysterious motives of friends.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 May 2008 23:44:23 GMT

I've been having problems lately with a friend of mine.

Let's just say you've known her for years. She was nice, easy to get along with, and easy to talk to about almost anything. We shared ideas and even worlds of art, and even got inspired by one another.

But then things change. In 2006 you seem to improve on your artwork and a person's attitude changes. Let's say you've done a piece of artwork and you see only one or two things wrong with it, she sees a hundred problems and critizes you for it. Then she begins to forbid you from rpging with her and combines worlds with her in any way, even saying that she hates your characters. If that wasn't enough, she's critical with every single step that you take in life, never letting you have any fun or a break, or think everything you do is stupid. Worst of all, she takes offense to everything you say. Then she accuses you of the most ridiculous things that aren't even true! No matter what you do, they're never happy with you.

How do you deal with this? It's cut my confidence in half over time and it almost killed my interest in art completely. I'm even afraid to talk with her, afraid that I might upset her. Friendships should be enjoyable and fun most of the time, loyal and honest to one another. Not stressful and draining. any advice?

Writer's Block: So Sensitive

scooby194@hotmail.com — Fri, 09 May 2008 07:47:00 GMT

What are you most sensitive about?

View other answers

Lately I've been rather sensitive to criticism... extremely sensitive.

Don't get me wrong. When it comes to things like artwork, I welcome constructive criticism where people point out some good things, areas that need some work of improvement and show me how to do it, then point out another good thing. When people use this method of criticism, it makes things less stressful, painful, and it may actually boost one's confidence and skill.

But when a person beocomes critical about everything from drawings to life, it becomes very stressful and draining for me. It's like some people like to force their opinions on me and expect me to change overnight. Then people start accusing me of things that aren't even true and they never give me a break. While I appreciate them trying to help, but i think it's the worst thing people can do to each other.

Constant criticism makes people feel as if no matter what you do, nothing is good enough for them. It discourages others, severely damaging one's self confidence and self esteem. It puts them in blocks and it could even make a person lose interest in something that was once special to them. It makes them feel belittled and underappreciated. Worst of all, it puts you through depression and anxiety, bringing on the fear of failure.

The sad thing is, many people fall into the path of criticism and they don't realize how destructive it could be, almost as a form of domnestic abuse. It has done great damage to me already and I'm doing the best I can to recover from it all and gain my interests back that I once lost. It's not easy, but it's managable. I'm also trying to learn to be myself and love myself again, even though life isn't so great at the moment.

Please don't let yourself fall into the criticsm trap it could not only hurt a person but it may end friendships as well. Be constructive!!! Being constructive can go a really long way. Remember that <3

When dreams become real....

scooby194@hotmail.com — Thu, 08 May 2008 07:20:57 GMT

I think I have a gift... a special gift, dealing with a world of dreams, occasionally predicting the future. In 1998, I dreamt about a kid running through a school like building with a gun in his hand. In 1999, Columbine happened. Then somepoint later, I've had dreams about a plane hitting two buildings which happened repeatedly. In 2001, september 11 happened. On one occasion, I even dreamt about a math class and a day later the same lessons were being spoken out of the teacher's mouth and one of her students, Abby Williams was asking the same questions she was asking in a dream! It took every ounce of my self control not to scream from shock. instead i sat there in silence, stunned by what I've seen and heard.

Then 5 years ago, I had another dream. I dreamt that I was babysitting my cousins Ryan and Alex when they were still young boys while their parents were away. By the time they got home, they were silent and pissed off at each other. Moments later, a moving van came up to the house and Aunt Jane was packing up her things and taking boxes to the moving van. She was gone, leaving uncle Jeff and the kids behind. I felt sad for them and I was just standing there wondering why she left.

And guess what happens. 5 years later today, I found out that Aunt Jane and Uncle Jeff went through a divorce. I've been depressed about this because my family is starting to fall apart- they used to be close knit. I'm still in shock after hearing news from my dad and seeing a ringless hand on Uncle Jeff and Ryan, quiet and seems depressed. It's not like him! The only difference from dreams to reality is that the boys are much older now with alex in the 8th grade and Ryan a sophomore in high school. It's been said that Aunt Jane was just simply unhappy and wanted out. I shoved the dream away thinking something like that would never happen to them. Maybe to uncle dave and aunt gail which happened earlier, but never aunt jane and uncle jeff.

If all my dreams played a significance to reality, what is the significance of my "shadow husband" dreams? Nearly every dream I had on and off consisted of a six foot tall shadowy figure who happens to have a medium build. His shadow figure remains almost invisible to me, but he had two clearly visible kids with him. Both of them had brown hair/eyes i think and one was a boy and a girl. I remember myself calling the boy michael. The girl marie. The "husband" in the dream was always kind and compassionate, loving, loyal, and very supportive. He's held me through the good times and bad times. He protected me from storms. he was romantic and passionate. He got me through any situation with ease, no matter how bad things were. There were times where my mother was looking on at my happy family with deep regret. I was truly happy with him... truly happy. My world was whole, meaningful and complete.

Then there was the last shadow man dream I had a week ago or so. He wasn't the same shadow man but a different one, same height, bulkier figure. he stepped through the darkness and approached my bathtub, asking if i remembered him and accused me of killing him 3 years ago. then he reached over to strangle me as if he wanted to murder me.

Me and my friend torama was talking about this earlier and perhaps it's a warning that I should stop being so paranoid of men and know not all of them is bad yet I should still take caution and take things slow. Or that my next man is the father of my children but it may indicate problems later on leading to future flings until i land mr. right. I agree with the first aspect but not the second. There was no trouble with my relationship dreams- almost always smooth sailing. would he be the one?

The only 6 foot man with medium build i know is dewey, someone i knew and grew up with when my dad was still dating his ex girlfriend which happens to be his mother. Unfortunately they broke up and dewey has moved on with his life and is living in milwaukee now. He barely comes on the internet anymore but he did add me on facebook and is still single. When he saw me at his mother's wedding he was so happy to see me. i can tell there was much we wanted to talk about but it never seemed like the right time. and we live so far away.

I notice that my dreams typically come true 1-6 years later on average. Is it possible that something may happen between the next 1-6 years? My friend Charlotte told me a long time ago that she had a feeling about this but wouldn't tell me what...

Freeing up memory...

scooby194@hotmail.com — Wed, 07 May 2008 23:58:24 GMT

Well, the computer thing went smoother than I had expected. My dad did get a little excited about this and was like "damn you" at first, but he accepted it. I appreciate the fact that he helped me take the computer to Computer Corner so I can have all the data wiped out and reformatted. The reason I chose this rather than to have them get rid of the viruses/spyware and leave the other files is that I have no idea what exactly was infecting my computer and some of the stuff i may have downloaded in the past may be an infection. I really don't know. Plus doing it that way will also cost me more money at 99.00.

The damage done for me is about 79. I already deposited 30.00 out of my own pocket and the rest of it will come from the bank. There is one plus side to all this despite the losses of everything, including artwork is that I basically get a new PC. For less. It's fine with me because I'm no where near ready for vista yet and I don't want to deal with replacing my camera, printer, and my 7 year old scanner. I should have it back by next friday.

In the meantime, I have memory trouble with my old computer so I'm doing everything I can to free up space. The first thing I did was to get rid of AVG, which is a bad memory hogger at 20 MB or so. Plus it was outdated. I may also get rid of ad aware CS since I can no longer update that program but keep spybot and spyware doctor.

But I have a question with some programs:

1. what is Broad Jump Client Foundation? Is it important for something? Or should I delete it?

2. What is C-Media 3D audio? Do I need that program? What is it foor? Can I get rid of it?

3. What is viewpoint? Some of it appears to be a cross between spyware and media. should I do away with that?

Please help me! thank you.

My computer crashed...

scooby194@hotmail.com — Wed, 07 May 2008 10:18:50 GMT

It's finally happened. My computer crashed. Around 4AM last night, my computer started to get really, really slow and then the screen just turned black. When I booted it back up, it showed something like: We are sorry for the inconvienience, but windows did not start up correctly. Then it had several options like safe mode, regular mode, and something else. I tried all of them, but nothing happened. All thanks to that fucking worm virus and spyware problems that I tried to get rid of, but I couldn't. I Lost everything. Photoshop, my new nine inch nails album that northstar provided a link to, my thousands of mp3s, limewire, my latest drawings, my photoshop and paint shop brushes, documents... everything. I am so pissed.

I feel really bad about this too, because my friend blackstorm wanted me to make a card with a heart and a message on it for her brother's present or something and it crashed right when i was in the middle of it. I feel even worse that it had to happen on the day before my grandpa finally got to celebrate his 87th birthday now that Grandma was doing a bit better a week later.

I swear... something or someone is bound to make me miserable and live in hell. Right now I've barely got over a panic attack thinking what I should do about this and dreading the cost of repairs. Most of all, I dread dealing with my dad.

Please pray that he won't go apeshit on me tomorrow. I'm on my period, I'm mentally unstable, and I just can't deal with anything right now. Please pray that he'll help me deal with this in a civilized supportive manner and not yelling at me about finances. Hell, I even told him that i'd pay 50 out of my own pocket, sacrificing the last part of a 100.00 bill i had put away from gambling.

I'm so sick to my stomach at the moment. I just wish that things like this don't have to happen at the worst possible times. Life is so cruel to me.

When will it ever get better?

HELP!!!

scooby194@hotmail.com — Wed, 07 May 2008 01:52:51 GMT

Right now I've been dealing with explosive mood swings for the past couple hours. Sometimes I get extremely depressed, other times I suffer anxiety, and another moment I get extremely pissed off at almost everything going wrong with my life and much of the world, envious of almost everyone...

Then I have the urge to slam doors, scream and cry, and bang on walls only no one would hear me or care.

Did I mention I'm on my period? My blood flow is heavy right now and my moods are downright awful. The heat isn't helping matters much either.

Is there any hope for my explosive PMS to be controlled? I can't go on birth control due to high blood pressure. Anti Depressants will kill me. Midol isn't strong enough.

Anything?

It's driving me and my friends insane. I can't take it anymore.

Writer's Block: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

scooby194@hotmail.com — Tue, 06 May 2008 22:39:56 GMT

What is one thing you MUST do before you go to bed at night?

Submitted by twink

View other answers

I actually do several small tasks before bedtime. I shut down the computer and television, sometimes unplugging most appliances during a storm but the fridge. I sometimes take a shower before bed if I feel too dirty to crawl into the sheets. I brush my teeth before bed, sometimes flossing. I feed and water my bottomless pit stomach of a cat. Last but not least I pray and read a couple chapters of the bible per night. Or sometimes I just read- usually manga novels or some paranormal book.

I guess I've always been a multi-tasker, just as long as it doesn't get too overwhelming. Maybe I'm just weird.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Mon, 05 May 2008 06:59:39 GMT

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/05/04/teen.birth.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview Even though most of the United States and perhaps some other countries may frown upon teen pregnancies, this story made me smile. Even though she made the mistake of keeping the pregnancy a complete secret from the family out of fear she may get kicked out, she was smart enough to wrap the baby in a blanket after he was born at home and carry him to the hospital. It may be a happy beginning for them, especially when the girl's mother would help her take care of him so she can finish school. That girl's lucky.

I also watched the video of the new mother holding her infant and it made me smile. It shows me how much new parents can love their babies, even a teen girl even though babies comes with responsibility. And most teen pregnancies have such a bad rep, usually ending up in adoption, abortion, murder, or abortion.

Also, while watching that clip, I felt weird. A warm heavy feeling spreading across my entire body. An odd sensation, something that I get whenever I pray or communicate with god, especially for peace. Maybe it's an indication from God that true love and babies may come for me sooner than I think...

Ugh...

scooby194@hotmail.com — Mon, 05 May 2008 05:23:00 GMT

I hate my mood swings. Sometimes I would be perfectly okay. Neither sad or happy, but okay. Then an hour later I start thinking about my past and my parents and I end up in a really sour mood. Then another few hours pass again and I'm fine. Then for several hours, throughout the evening, I feel chronically empty.

Out of all the feelings I experience, I hate feeling empty the most. As if everything had left me and there's nothing more to live for. What's left to fight for? anything? I don't even know what road to take.

When will these horrible empty feelings leave me? When will this shit go away?

I want to feel normal again, whatever that is.

sunday...blah.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sun, 04 May 2008 21:41:14 GMT

Sundays are always a dull day for me. I can't really go anywhere, the transit is closed, the stores are closed, the library closes early in the winter and spring, closed all day in the summer, and I don't drink. Not to mention there's not much internet activity either.

At least it's not a complete waste of time. Right now my apartment is a complete disaster. If my landlord saw the mess, she'd probably kick me out by now. The main problem is, too much stuff and no storage space. No matter how much I get rid of- 50 garbage bags of stuff in the past year or so, I still have cramped quarters.

So now I'm going through things and picking stuff up again. I've been washing dishes, putting away laundry from last week that I never bothered to put away, and threw the dirty clothes into the hamper for washing later tonight. I took out the trash, but I intend to take out more, taking care of the recycling stuff that's been crowding my apartment tomorrow. I also want to go through my bins, papers, and almost everything and just get rid of it.

Living here for 3 years just drove me insane enough to the point where I want to scream. Mostly the environment, but also the cramped quarters and the fact I don't have much room for stuff. It will be a blessing if I ever get out of here to a better place. I don't recommend Mainview to anybody, especially my little stepsister who suffers more emotional problems than me.

But still, my mind lingers to what may happen 3 years from now and I get the feeling that it will be a lot happening. Moving for one- that may happen between '08-'09. I may be either volunteering or working in a book shop part time. I may finally know what to do for a care and start thinking about college- I'm close to that now since I have at least 5 options spread out in front of me. I could also marry, but I don't see that happening because I don't have a boyfriend and there's no indication of anyone being actually interested in me. I still fantasize about that dream, but I numbed the desire. What's the point of desiring things that you can't have?

Well back to cleaning. At this rate if my brain never shuts up, i might not finish my projects.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sun, 04 May 2008 08:55:47 GMT

Hey everyone...

I want to apologize to everyone in advance for my wild mood swings. It appears that I am suffering PMS again and it's giving me bi polar like symptoms. It's not a pretty sight. But the good news is, the worst of it is over and I feel okay again. I want to thank those of you who left me comments and contacted me on IM tonight- I'm grateful. Without any of my friends, I wouldn't be here today. If I was, then I would probably be almost like a vegetable or something.

Now that everyone has gone to bed and I'm about to do the same, I've been stuck in deep thought again and my mind lingers to mother's day. I realize that it's next week May 11. When Mother's Day comes up every single year for the past 14 years, bitter memories of her abandoning me when I was a young teenager flood back into my memory. She wanted nothing to do with me and she never bothered to write letters, call, visit, send money (she owes me thousands in child support) or even show up for my graduation, christmas, or birthdays. It's like she died, vanished from my life completely, only to sleep around and get knocked up by a guy that's much older than her. She doesn't care for herself, is too lazy to do anything about her life, and doesn't even bother to keep contact with anyone. Not even her family. And when she did get contact with me, she'd take me to bars just so she can drink and ignore me. Her health is deteriorating severely as well and she has aged greatly. And most of all, I fear for my 12 year old half brother kurt. What if she's been neglecting him too? What kind of life does he have living in that cramped, tiny mobile home?

With all that, I should hate her. Hate her with every inch of my broken soul. Hate her for destroying self esteem, identity, self worth, and confidence. I should hate her for making my dad a bitter, stubborn person, disliking/mistrusting women. I should hate her for screwing me up during pregnancy, making me suffer a lisp, emotional disorders, and learning disabilities. I really should hate her and wish her nothing but death.

... And yet, I don't. I really don't. Sometimes I still get upset for the things she's done to me, but I don't hate her anymore. I even forgiven her, though it would take years to regain the broken trust that was shattered a long time ago. Even though my dad doesn't even know it, I had left a door open ajar for her. If she seeks peace and wants to make mends with me, I will let her in and let her start over. But I cannot let bad influences continue to destroy me.

Instead of presents, maybe flowers for grandma and a card, I'm going to pray for her. I wish to pray salvation for her lost soul, speak of healing to her sick body, and deliverance from every form of bondage and oppression. I pray that she will wake up and realize her mistakes and that she'll make them up with me one day. Most importantly, I pray for peace. I trust that God will heal her like he is doing with me, working hard to get me out of this situation.

I will fight this hatred and bitterness. Let me be filled with love instead.

amen.

alone...

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:52:44 GMT

Everyone online is gone tonight. I mean everyone. Where is everyone? The silence is hurting me from the inside out. Everything just feels so dead to me lately. I don't want to draw. I don't want to do things anymore. I still can't think of ways to get out of this. More and more I feel myself fade away to nothing, feeling like I'm among the living dead.

How much longer will my life remain empty? I'm a pointless existence.

Bleh.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sat, 03 May 2008 21:02:01 GMT

What a crappy day to go grocery shopping. It was cold, gloomy, and rainy. Pitiful for may. But what do you expect in a state with only 3 seasons: Winter, spring, short summers? Oh well. Maybe next week will be better.

But other than that and exchanging the futon cover for a wider size, it's been a fairly uneventful day, even online. At least it gave me an opportunity to wash dishes, get rid of some rotten food in the fridge, and went through some stuff in the closet to take to good will.

I got so much stuff to get rid of it's not even funny. It's a good thing Mainview is having a rummage sale on the 17th- it gives me a slim opportunity to make money, if people actually come. I'll just price things from 1 dollar, 5 dollars, 10 dollars, and 20 at the highest. it would be the easiest for me to deal with when it comes to math. As for some bathroom stuff, I'm giving that to Bethany when she gets out of that halfway house and a few other things. It's stuff that I had outgrown- I've developed a classic taste to things, but it's fitting for people her age. If she doesn't care for that stuff then it's a trip to good will. at least she'll have some things to start out with. It's not easy starting out and she has to go through it at a younger age! I wonder how she'll be able to handle college if she's living on her own... maybe i could see opportunities if she does. I just feel so blocked and discouraged from everything honestly. mostly because of my living arrangement and social security income.

We'll just see how everything goes. in the meantime i'll just make dinner then go out for a walk now that the sun is shining.

just a survey, then bed.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sat, 03 May 2008 08:06:47 GMT

1) Are you involved with anyone? No.

2) Would you take an ex back? Hell no.

3) Where do you wish you were right now? I wish I am somewhere away from this apartment just having fun...

4) What could you not go without during the day? A computer. I'm addicted.

5) Would you share a drink with a stranger? Absolutely not.

6) What are your plans for the weekend? None really. I need to get groceries though.

8) Would you rather be in a serious relationship or play the field? A serious relationship. Right now I just want to fall in love with someone who's supportive and would move me in the right direction while I'd do the same in return. Then maybe get married and have children.

9) How long ago did you hug someone? Tonight.

10) Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? I just find it gross in general. Not to mention painful.

11) Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire? nope.

12) What does the last text message in your inbox say? I don't have a cell phone.

13) Need to get something off your chest? Yes. My bra and some venting. But I already did most of it in the depression community.

14) How do you feel about your life right now? Lost, confused and hopeless. I've been directionless for the past 7 years and I still don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what I could see myself doing for careers and I doubt that I'll ever have any kind of future. I'm not sure if I'll ever get to move out of this building either. I've been struggling my entire life and I feel like I've lost almost everything. I'm doing the best I can to remain sane. I'm sorry for being such an emo pain guys... things just aren't well right now.

15) How many times have you been pulled over by the police? None. I haven't been driving much and I never drove a car in the past four years at all- I've been taking the bus. I do have an advantage to this though- I have a completely clean license!

16) What characteristics do you despise the most? Depression, anxiety, mood swings, no confidence, no self esteem, low self worth, crass, shy, stubborn... I'm my own worst enemy.

17) Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? Shoplifting... I was young and stupid at the age of 16 and my dad wouldn't give me an allowance at the time. After this whole ordeal, he realized that i needed stuff and finally gave me some.

20) Anyone upset you lately? My dad... for being the control freak that he is. David too for kicking Bethany out of the house just because she is mentally ill and needs his support. How dare he let that quack counselor of his tell him what to do? If she harms herself, it will be his own fault. Don't say I didn't warn him.

21) Last person you talked to on the phone? A business manager about a futon cover.

22) Do you think you're dumb? My best friend thinks I'm smart but I think I'm really stupid. Especially with acedemics. I just know i'll never pass college unless if i cheat and I'm too honest.

23) What could be done to make things better for you? I could have taken school a lot more seriously. Not only was i having problems understanding things, I also didn't do homework and avoided education like a plague. I only did homework when I absolutely had to and took the tests. I didn't care...because i couldn't figure anything out and no one would give me the proper help I needed. Not to mention, special ed classes destroyed my confidence. Self destructive really.

24) How's your heart? Under a lot of stress and broken.

25) Ever kiss someone with a name starting with a T? No.

27) Can you keep a secret? I am an entire encyclopedia of secrets. I don't gossip.

28) Are you happy with your living arrangement? hell no!!!! for the past 3 years, this depressing environment filled with elderly, insane freaks, and the disabled had burned me out severely, hacking away at my sense of self worth and self esteem. I've been begging for help with moving for such a long time that I was starting to annoy myself. At least I might have a slim chance soon.

29) Do you have trust issues? Yes. I don't trust no one. Not even my mom and dad. I want to, but someone is always out to hurt me in some way.

30) Is it easier to forgive or forget? forget. it takes a long time for me to forgive someone.

33) Have you ever been given roses? Maybe. I don't remember. It would be nice though.

34) Do you miss your ex? No, but I miss the fact I had someone to call a boyfriend, even if it wasn't for very long.

35) Have you ever been cheated on? many times. Maybe not by boyfriends but by others.

36) Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate? Maybe.

37) What's your current problem? Being severely stuck with life and not able to get out.

38) Have you ever had your heart broken? It still is broken as we speak.

39) Had a Long Distance Relationship? Yes, in switzerland when i was 20.

40) Do you believe in this saying: once a cheater always a cheater? yes and no.

41) Do you want to get married? It's one of my greatest dreams and desires. I don't think it will ever happen though.

43) Who was the last person you held hands with? My ex. that was 3 years ago.

44) Do you believe in love at first sight? No. It's something that builds up and it takes time.

45) Have you ever gone out with the same person more than once? Yeah

46) What was the first thing you thought this morning? Oh god, not another day. Please no.

47) Do you still like your exes? not really.

48) Do you know someone who likes you? I have no clue at the moment.

50) Do you like anyone? Not really but I dream and fantasize...

51) Do they know you like them? meh.

52) Have you kissed anyone on your top friends? no.

Emo Rollercoaster.

scooby194@hotmail.com — Sat, 03 May 2008 01:55:55 GMT

In all honesty, things aren't that bad at the moment. My grandma's getting better, my futon cover came today, though I have to take it back for a queen- it wouldn't close at an end!, went on a decorating shopping spree and my living room is about done.

I guess i've been in an agitated/emotional state mostly due to PMS. I missed a period completely last month due to drama, friendship issues, and family problems, but I'm doing okay now. I feel myself cramping up as we speak so it's a sign my body may get back to normal.

I think tomorrow I'm going to invest in some advil or something to help ease that and pray that the mood swings would go away soon.

At least my decorating projects are almost done. Expect pics soon!