Hey everyone...

I want to apologize to everyone in advance for my wild mood swings. It appears that I am suffering PMS again and it's giving me bi polar like symptoms. It's not a pretty sight. But the good news is, the worst of it is over and I feel okay again. I want to thank those of you who left me comments and contacted me on IM tonight- I'm grateful. Without any of my friends, I wouldn't be here today. If I was, then I would probably be almost like a vegetable or something.

Now that everyone has gone to bed and I'm about to do the same, I've been stuck in deep thought again and my mind lingers to mother's day. I realize that it's next week May 11. When Mother's Day comes up every single year for the past 14 years, bitter memories of her abandoning me when I was a young teenager flood back into my memory. She wanted nothing to do with me and she never bothered to write letters, call, visit, send money (she owes me thousands in child support) or even show up for my graduation, christmas, or birthdays. It's like she died, vanished from my life completely, only to sleep around and get knocked up by a guy that's much older than her. She doesn't care for herself, is too lazy to do anything about her life, and doesn't even bother to keep contact with anyone. Not even her family. And when she did get contact with me, she'd take me to bars just so she can drink and ignore me. Her health is deteriorating severely as well and she has aged greatly. And most of all, I fear for my 12 year old half brother kurt. What if she's been neglecting him too? What kind of life does he have living in that cramped, tiny mobile home?

With all that, I should hate her. Hate her with every inch of my broken soul. Hate her for destroying self esteem, identity, self worth, and confidence. I should hate her for making my dad a bitter, stubborn person, disliking/mistrusting women. I should hate her for screwing me up during pregnancy, making me suffer a lisp, emotional disorders, and learning disabilities. I really should hate her and wish her nothing but death.

... And yet, I don't. I really don't. Sometimes I still get upset for the things she's done to me, but I don't hate her anymore. I even forgiven her, though it would take years to regain the broken trust that was shattered a long time ago. Even though my dad doesn't even know it, I had left a door open ajar for her. If she seeks peace and wants to make mends with me, I will let her in and let her start over. But I cannot let bad influences continue to destroy me.

Instead of presents, maybe flowers for grandma and a card, I'm going to pray for her. I wish to pray salvation for her lost soul, speak of healing to her sick body, and deliverance from every form of bondage and oppression. I pray that she will wake up and realize her mistakes and that she'll make them up with me one day. Most importantly, I pray for peace. I trust that God will heal her like he is doing with me, working hard to get me out of this situation.

I will fight this hatred and bitterness. Let me be filled with love instead.

amen.

Current Mood: contemplative

Sundays are always a dull day for me. I can't really go anywhere, the transit is closed, the stores are closed, the library closes early in the winter and spring, closed all day in the summer, and I don't drink. Not to mention there's not much internet activity either.

At least it's not a complete waste of time. Right now my apartment is a complete disaster. If my landlord saw the mess, she'd probably kick me out by now. The main problem is, too much stuff and no storage space. No matter how much I get rid of- 50 garbage bags of stuff in the past year or so, I still have cramped quarters.

So now I'm going through things and picking stuff up again. I've been washing dishes, putting away laundry from last week that I never bothered to put away, and threw the dirty clothes into the hamper for washing later tonight. I took out the trash, but I intend to take out more, taking care of the recycling stuff that's been crowding my apartment tomorrow. I also want to go through my bins, papers, and almost everything and just get rid of it.

Living here for 3 years just drove me insane enough to the point where I want to scream. Mostly the environment, but also the cramped quarters and the fact I don't have much room for stuff. It will be a blessing if I ever get out of here to a better place. I don't recommend Mainview to anybody, especially my little stepsister who suffers more emotional problems than me.

But still, my mind lingers to what may happen 3 years from now and I get the feeling that it will be a lot happening. Moving for one- that may happen between '08-'09. I may be either volunteering or working in a book shop part time. I may finally know what to do for a care and start thinking about college- I'm close to that now since I have at least 5 options spread out in front of me. I could also marry, but I don't see that happening because I don't have a boyfriend and there's no indication of anyone being actually interested in me. I still fantasize about that dream, but I numbed the desire. What's the point of desiring things that you can't have?

Well back to cleaning. At this rate if my brain never shuts up, i might not finish my projects.

Current Mood: blah