One of my friends finally got a place to move to yesterday and it looks pretty nice. I can't help but feel a little jealous, however. I've been living in this hell hole for five years and I just can't take it anymore. To make matters worse, I have no help. My dad's still in love with this apartment and fails to see why I'm so miserable here, thus he isn't very supportive on helping me move to another city. I have no car and only rely on crappy transit that's only open until 6:00 PM. How can I move to another city when I don't even have a car and I can't look at other places or be able to sign leases? How am I going to be able to move heavy furniture and endless boxes? Even if I do sell everything, I'll have to buy everything all over again and it's going to be difficult to move things in then.

I have no choice but to suck it up and live in this prison for another four long miserable years. I don't even know if I'll get out then. The longer I live here, the more hopeless I feel about my future, even if I am going into college. It doesn't matter. I feel like a caged animal trapped in a prison and there's no way out. I'm also constantly haunted by bad memories of connections I have hated, unable to heal. Plus it's unhealthy to live here for both me and my cat. If I end up losing my cat because of the unhealthy air quality in this place, I will be forever devastated. I'll never forgive God or my Dad for forcing me to live here.

It's going to take a big miracle to leave... is God really in control? Or am I condemned to be in this prison cell I call home until the day I die? Maybe I should just check myself into an insane asylum just for the sake of leaving... I feel messed up mentally because of this damn place anyway.

Once again I am stunned by the events that unfolded tonight...

My friend Lindsay called me again at 2AM last night just randomly chatting. Of course I naturally ask about my mother again. Her laptop crashed and wanted my number and address again and said that she'll call her aunt linda tomorrow. From there my information will be given to my mother.

The more truth I learn about my mother, the more I understand. Dale, her ex boyfriend was such an asshole to her that she must have wanted me to stay out of this situation as much as possible. I thought something didn't feel right when I found out that she had her own bedroom and they're not sleeping together like a normal couple would at night. She also started drinking heavy when they were together as well along with the chain smoking. I never would have guessed that this was the reason. If she was trying to protect me from his control and harm then I thank her with a heavy heart.

Now she's cleaned herself massively and left Green Lake to live with her new boyfriend in Markesan. She still thinks about me constantly and was always asking for my phone number and address, not knowing where I was at all. She was also scared that I had abandoned her, wouldn't forgive her, or wanted anything to do with her. But she's so far from the truth.

The truth is, hope, forgiveness and love is swelling up deep inside of me like a volcano waiting to be unleashed. I pray every night that we'd reunite one day and my empty nightmare of abandonment will finally be over. As the days pass, it's slowly coming true and I believe again. I am so close... Very close.

Something is going to happen tomorrow that will change everything. I have an unexplainable feeling deep inside of me...

BEST:
1) Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. It's a very classic and romantic story with a believable plot and well developed characters. It's one of those stories where you could actually picture scenarios happening in reality between a governess and a grumpy man...

2)Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. This tragedy is happening all over the world in the past and the present. Feuding families, arranged marriages, suicides. Shakespeare was probably hoping that he could influence people to rethink their way of living to prevent such things from happening, but he must be feeling sourly disappointed right now in heaven. But still, it leaves a very powerful message to readers everywhere about love, even if the storyline was too fast paced between romeo and juliet. He could have used a little more relationship development there, but it's a play so I can't really complain too much. Another good one by Shakespeare is The Taming of A Shrew.

3) The Harry Potter series. It's amazing how far this novel came along, which started out as nothing more than words scribbled on napkins then morphed into 7 well written novels. I love harry and luna. I can relate to them the most because I too was the socially awkward outsider who had to work harder than others to survive. However, the last novel was a little weak. I loved the final chapter, but Rowling could have went into these new characters a little more and left a possible cliff hanger with a new 7 year journey... leading to a completely different project. Wouldn't that be sweet?

4) I also love The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and just about any novel by Mercedes Lackey.

WORST:
1.) Twilight. What the hell was Stephanie Meyer thinking when she wrote the series? There's no plot, the characters are mary sues and edward is a wuss. Worst of all... she makes teenage pregnancy totally acceptable in society which might influence young girls to have sex early with their "edwards" or "jacobs." Furthermore, speaking of jacob, nothing is worse than making an old character fall for a mere child at birth... it just makes me sick. I have to admit, I do kind of like the movies though. Just a little.

2) To Kill a Mockingbird. Before you throw stones at me, this story has a great storyline about racism. However, it's written in a way that's very hard for me to follow. I don't know if it's just me or if any of you actually agree...

3) sweet valley high novels. I read these as a kid and I just hated these novels. I didn't know why. Then I read one recently and saw that the characters were far too perfect for my own liking...bleh. I did love R.L. Stine though when i was younger. Now it's Steven King for when that horror mood strikes me.

Bonus:
The next novel I plan on getting is Full Frontal Feminism. I'll let you know how it is later.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! What are you thankful for?

This year I am thankful for....
~My family, even though some members had gone separate ways. I just pray that most of them will still stay together and never split apart.

~My friends. I thank them wholeheartedly for being there for me, especially this year. I couldn't have made it without your support. Thank you.

~The fact that I have a roof over my head, even though I hate this apartment complex with a passion. I'll be overjoyed when I can finally leave. I can finally start over again.

~That my Grandmother doesn't have to suffer anymore, now in a better place.

~That I've started college this year- one of the best decisions that I've ever made

~That I found several people I knew and cared about in the past on Facebook

~That I had finally found my direction in life. I'm going to become a teacher's aid/assistant once I get my associate's degree. I'll still get my bachelor's in case if I want to actually upgrade to teaching at some point in the future. I realized that I can still use bad experiences to help others.

~That my friend Lindsay helped me find my mother. Even though I haven't heard from her yet, I'm still thankful that she cleaned herself up and hasn't forgotten me after all these years. However, I'm still cautiously optimistic about this situation.

~the better times that I had spent with April before things turned really bad. I still appreciate them and she still has a small place in my heart.

~That I got to see Lynda, my dad's ex girlfriend again. I should call her sometime.

~That I got most of my decorating done in the bedroom and bathroom. I'm still working on the kitchen and living room.

~My mental stability. I wish that my depression, PMDD and anxiety would get better, but I'm thankful that I didn't go into any severe mental breakdowns this year that could land me in the insane asylum. To be honest, I really thought that I would snap at any moment...

~Strength. I had went through a crapload of drama this year and I had two encounters with my ex boyfriend on top of it. I'm thankful that I was able to stand up to it all and still have a clear head regardless.

~another small chance to date. As I had mentioned in a previous entry, I did get asked out this year by Jason. Almost right off the bat I just knew that he wasn't the one and realized that I was being tested to see if I really did learn anything from five years ago. I'm grateful that this happened because I feel a lot stronger now than I was back then. I just hope that the real thing will come along soon. I want to learn about love and know what it's like...

~Being single. There are many, many times when I wished I had a boyfriend and feel a little down when my friends say they're thankful for their boyfriends, but there are times when I do appreciate being single. Love is sometimes just too complicated for me to understand...

~that I got to see Annette again this year and again very soon for one last time before she leaves the country for the next 5 years... I'm going to miss her.

What are you thankful for?

Yes. Nothing turns me off more than dealing with clingy guys. My ex was very dependent and clingy on me to the point where he wouldn't give me any time to myself and I felt smothered. Worse yet, he wouldn't give me any time to think either- everything just revolved around him and his needs. Then one day... he pushed me into losing virginity against my will. Eventually I couldn't take the pressure anymore and I dumped him the next day feeling mortified, angry, and used. I was also afraid that I had an STD, but I was lucky to have a bacterial infection that went away after some time or some minor form of HPV. I was lucky I didn't get cervical cancer. About a few days later after I dumped him, he ran into me at the library. I got mad about this and told him never to talk to me again.

Fast forward from 2005-2009.


Sometime later, I had eventually healed from this, but I developed an inability to trust men and I was always cautious whenever I talk to them, except for a rare few like Dewey and Justin. This year I once again had an opportunity to date someone like Jason but I turned him down because he too seemed to be a very clingy person like my ex was. Of course when I told April, she got mad at me for this and expected me to date him, like I HAVE to be engaged at 27 years old. I told her no and I was doing this for myself and knew that I was doing the right thing. When it comes to relationships, I'm not going to live up to anyone's expectations but my own. Of course, that laid grounds for the friendship to end, which is pretty sad.

So yeah, I must say that clingy men are a turn off. In fact, they scare me, as if warning bells begin to ring in my head. I just need a guy who is willing to take things slow with me just simply being my friend first and let things grow on its own. I also need someone who respects himself, me, and personal freedom....

Last night I had yet another episode of sleep paralysis. Then I started having very vivid dreams. I don't remember the earlier ones but one of them did revolve around April. I dreamt that we saw each other somewhere at a store or something and started talking about things that had happened. She apologized and so did I. Then we gave the friendship a second chance and I was her bridesmaid again.

But then... her old habits started happening again. She obsessively talked about Ron, her degree in Psychology, and California. Then we started talking about Christmas. I just didn't really want anything this year. The only thing I wanted materialistically was a laptop really. The rest of the stuff I wanted was something that only God can give like new friendships, a boyfriend, helping me get through college, and help me find a new place to live, letting me start over again in a new chapter of life.

Then she gave me a weird look and started being pushy with the things she wanted and got really demanding about it. I began to feel uncomfortable. Then she asked me to stay at Daryl's house. At first, everything went okay. Then while I went to take a shower, she and Amanda started talking about me behind my back.

"GOD! I hated her," Amanda said. "The way she talked..." and she said something about my bodily flaws. April chimed in saying something else and they were both laughing and giggling about me.

"She never was popular with anyone and she'll never get a boyfriend. She'll end up like her mother, wasting her life away," said April. "She's hopeless. A fucking trainwreck."

"I'll bet you she's going to fail in college and she won't be teaching at all. Even a teacher's assistant. God she's stupid."

I heard them chatter then I ran out the door upset, slamming it behind me then broke down sobbing. Then I took off running down the street heading to nowhere but murky darkness. Then I woke up, shaking, hoping to God that the things April and Amanda were saying about me will never be true.

I wonder if this is a sign from God that I shouldn't ever get back together with her and that I should just let things go...

Ugh. I am not feeling good today. Right now I'm fighting waves of nausea and feverish tendencies. Worse yet, I'm on day two on period. Of course the absence policy is allowed by only 3 days and then we can't come to class anymore until the next registration period, which totally sucks. Do you know if these policies get renewed by semester? Or am I allowed just 3 absences per year?

At least I have only one day this week. Just one. But... I don't want to go feeling like this. Oh well... Might as well suck it up and get it over with.

*sigh*

View from the door.


( Read more... )

*deviantART
*Live Journal
*You Tube
*Chat with Friends
*random surfing
*Facebook
*Photobucket
*Hunt for new music
*Southparkstudios.com

Pretty much it.

I was browsing through the Twilight photos on photobucket out of boredom and I came across this. That my friends, is pretty much what happened in the whole series and I got the same reaction. What was Stephanie Meyer thinking?

Of course I get the sheer pleasure of watching New Moon in theaters with a friend... God help me.

I am literally in tears right now. Is this reality?

When I was just ten years old, my parents got divorced and my mother left to live in another city. By the time I was 14, my mother left me completely, leaving me behind. Abandoned. She had chosen to waste her life away after running off with another guy and became an alcoholic. I was bitter and angry for years. Not to mention I was lost, even after having several mother figures in my life. It just wasn't the same.

I wished that I had her back, but I knew that I may never see her again.

Fast forward 13 years. I'm an adult now, graduated from high school and living on my own. I'm also going to college now to become a teacher, wanting to help other deprived students unless if something else came up. Despite all those changes I've made in my life, a part of me felt empty. I didn't know if it's because I am still single or that she was gone. After months of searching and having many dreams, the truth came to light yesterday.

Around 2AM I was talking to Lindsay, an old friend of mine on Yahoo and the subject of my mother comes up. She told me that my mother was talking to her aunt the other day and found out that mom had given up drinking and cleaned herself up. Not only that she requested my aunt to ask Lindsay to get my address and phone number from me. When I heard all this, tears were streaming down my face, unable to believe what I was reading on the screen.

She wanted me back. After all these years she had never forgotten me and still loved me.

After I gave Lindsay my address and phone number again, an overwhelming sense of peace washed over me, something I thought I'd never feel again. Somehow I just knew that everything would be okay and things will pick up soon. What was half of me had finally become whole.

Almost.

There is still two more things that I really wish to have but they haven't come to light yet: A boyfriend and a new place to live. Perhaps one day, they may come soon. At least now, I can see the light again. I have God and Lindsay to thank.

Love is the only medicine for a broken heart.~fortune cookie.

Heh... I'm not sure if I agree with this statement or not. I've had my heart broken years ago and I'm still trying to heal from everything that happened. Of course, I never really had love. Maybe once for a very brief time, but it wasn't real and it ended in a bad way. As an end result I find it difficult meeting people and trusting them, especially the male gender. Love is also very confusing to me.

I'll never understand it as long as I'm single.

Maybe it's better this way... With so many bad experiences and mixed feelings I should take people's advice to stay this way and focus on myself like I've been trying to. I admit that I need to worry about the prep courses first and get a real class schedule going first before anything happens. I'm just not ready.

Maybe it's all reduced to a simple wish that time could move faster, so I can finally leave this dark tunnel of limbo behind... It feels like I've been here forever, not making any kind of progress and getting older. I think that is my biggest problem really, and there's not much I can really do about it right now.

Does anyone else feel the same with certain aspects of your lives? Feel free to share.

My Christmas List:

Materialistic:
*HP Laptop
*Kurt Halsey Calendar
*Money
*Tasteful necklaces that aren't too chunky
*Makeup kits
*I tunes, Hobby Lobby, Borders giftcards
*Subscription to LJ or DeviantART
*virus free Mp3s to add to my mp3 player. Anything but pop, rap and country.
*House DVDs
*Anything influential on a spiritual level for me to read




Non Materialstic:
*New friendships in person and online
*A new place to live soon so I can start over again on a new chapter in life
*A second chance to love again
*for friends and family to stay together and not split apart...
*For everyone to be happy, including me.
*That PMDD would be a thing of the past
*That I can overcome my math phobia and do well in it.
*prayers on any of these
*A much happier new year. The last two years were quite difficult.

I'm not really expecting much this year other than a laptop. What do you guys want this year? Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings.




What would you like this year?

last night I had yet another dream, but it didn't revolve around my untouched love life anymore. This time it revolved around aunt jane and uncle jeff. It was around the holidays and people were just talking among themselves as normal. Jane unexpectedly snuck inside the house and cornered uncle jeff in a room. At first they were arguing under their breaths. Then they asked each other for forgiveness and pulled each other into a big hug. Jane asked Jeff if they could remarry again. He happily said yes. They kissed.

I watched them the entire time feeling really happy yet really sad. I was happy that they were getting back together but there was a huge empty void deep in my heart. There was nobody standing next to me anymore. The man that usually hung around me vanished. I fought back tears and started getting shaky. Then I woke up.

I've been trying my hardest to hold myself together but I feel like I can't anymore. It feels like I'm drowning and I'm dealing with panic attacks all the time. It's getting to the point where it's starting to worry my friends and myself and I have absolutely no control over it. I feel bad because I want to take my friend's advice to heart trying to mediate or do some deep breathing. The problem is, my body and mind won't let me do it.

I'm not that strong anymore.

Bit by bit the events of this year and last made my sense of security and sanity disappear. Things seem to be getting worse than better.

When will God ever answer my prayers? I'm so restless when things remain unanswered and I'm constantly worried about never finding love, new friends, or passing math. At least there's a blood pressure medicine called Proprananol that prevents panic attacks up to an hour before they even start... I'll have to look into it. This damn anxiety disorder is probably the reason why my blood pressure is so high... Of course doctors never understand. They always blame the slight chubbiness on a woman's body or her weight, which is their natural conclusion.

God help me... What am I going to do?

Just now I woke up and had yet another strange dream. It revolved around Christmas and I was sleeping next to my husband. I couldn't see who he is since he had his face buried in the pillow, but his hair was definitely short and brown.

The phone started ringing.

Groaning, I woke up groggily and reached for the phone.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey Lisa- this is Lynda. I'm calling you to let you know that your mother stopped by yesterday morning...."

"Oh man..." I sighed. My heart sunk knowing that I didn't even live in the area anymore. I had moved to another city and started teaching there 4 years ago.

"She's coming to Greendale tomorrow morning. And there's some wonderful news-Your aunt and uncle are also remarrying. They heard you were having a baby so they're coming to visit you too."

... I paused, almost dropping the phone. This was unexpected.

"Really when?"

I found myself blushing and I looked like I was about 3 months pregnant. I couldn't tell for sure if the blonde woman that appeared briefly in my dream was my mother or aunt jane, but it was definitely a relative. Aunt Jane was too thin to be my mother. She was also prettier than my mother.

"Soon. Most likely after your mother visits you. Well, I got to go. See you around Christmas!" She said in a happy voice and hung up.

Sighing, I laid back down and fell asleep, thinking about my mother, aunt, and Christmas shopping. It was so close to Christmas eve, if not already that I almost forgot about it... Then I woke up.

Yet another dream related to Christmas... Not that I'm really expecting it. The chances of something like this happening on Christmas Eve is very slim. I'll just settle for a new laptop for traveling and college...

*sigh*

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/251632

South Park's Dead Celebrities episode. I never laughed so hard at anything for a long time!

"Lisa, you got a TABE entry test today," said the instructor.

I nodded, cringed then looked at it. The word math seemed to pulse out to me more than the English and Reading stuff, which is what the test was mostly about.

The instructor studied the look of fear on my face. "Do not worry. This is not a pass or fail situation. This is just to see where you are at. And by the time you're done with the GOAL program, you will be given more tests and it will be time to take the assessment. Then we'll know where to place you during the fall of next year."

I nodded weakly, turning pale. I can feel the tingle in the back of my neck and chest as a warning sign, spreading throughout my body. Every muscle of my body tensed and my breathing became rapid.

"Follow me, Lisa," said the instructor.

I followed the blonde lady into the computer lab and she placed me on a PC at the far end of the room. The whole test itself was self explanatory. I went through the Reading and English parts with ease. By the time I got to the several questions in math, I tensed up even more.

"No... no. God no. Please God, not now," I think to myself. The wave of panic washed over me like a tidal wave, pulling me under, drowning me. I try to remind myself that I was no longer in special ed and everything's different in college now. The instructors actually cared about me and will actually teach me everything I need to know. They want me to teach, saying that good teachers are desperately needed. Besides. I had a calculator.

"I can do this. It is time to face math. I'm not a cowardly child. I have control. Things are different now..." My mind slips and plunges.

Too late. I dwelled on the post traumatic distress that Nancy Wagner bestowed upon me, taking root inside my shaken soul. All color just drained from my face by the time I got to the hardest questions of math; stuff that I was never taught.

My body felt heavy yet I was weightless at the same time. The numbers begin to spin out of control, laughing and mocking me, forcing me to remember the humiliation and failures I suffered. Every memory I had endured 8 years ago came back to me with a blinding force.

I can't see. Everything was a blur.

My heart pounds. My mind screams for help. For a moment I couldn't remember to breathe.
My movements are that of a ghost. I am at weightless and lead heavy all at once.

I can’t see…I can’t see…I can’t…

My heart is pounding. My mind screams. Am I still breathing?

Red dots cloud my mind, starting to fade to blackness. It felt like I was being strangled and dying. Dying in the hands of Nancy, who had complete control of my tormented mind. I try to fight back.

Taking a deep breath I just numbly answered the questions by guessing and pushed submit. Then I walked into the office and said that I was finished. My voice was unrecognizable and shaky. Traumatized.

"What the hell did that bitch do to me?" I began to wonder as I returned to my seat and finished my English test for the rest of the class period.

What am I going to do for the next 4 years? What if I keep failing? I'm scared that I won't be able to graduate on time because of this problem... dyscalculia.

Hello! I noticed that I have some new guests lingering around my journal lately. To extend my welcome, I'd like to share some updated information with everyone so you can know me better. Feel free to do the same since I would like to get to know you as well.


A Few Current Facts About Lisa

-I am a student at Fox Valley Technical College for the next two years.
-I plan on transferring to UWO majoring in English and Minoring in Education.
-I am painfully shy and socially awkward, finding most social situations uncomfortable.
-I am good at multitasking. Mostly due to a need to keep my hands and brain busy.
-I suffer fetal alcohol syndrome, depression, and anxiety/panic disorders.
-Reading makes me feel calm and productive.
-In four years I aim to be an english teacher.
-I detest sports, especially football and the green bay packers.
-I spend way too much time online.
-I avoid bars like plagues because they destroyed my mother's life.
-I have a fear of driving.
-I love symphonic and heavy metal,soft rock, alternative, punk, and old skool pop.
-I love dark chocolate but dislike milk chocolate.
-I sometimes miss the good aspects of my childhood.
-I am not an optimistic person, but I tend to think realistically.
-I have a half brother named Kurt and 3 step sisters. I am the oldest.
-I much prefer comedy/romance/drama films. Horror films gross me out.
-I watched my first porno at the age of 14 when a tape was left in the VCR. I was so shocked.
-I have a 9 year old tortie feline named Morgan.
-My best friend is in the navy. I'm proud of her.
-My feelings are genuine.
-I love Chinese and Italian food.
-I get agitated and fidgety when bored.
-I like dressing up in wedding gowns.
-I try not to be judgmental and I get upset when others do it too often.
-I have feminist beliefs.
-I am a Christan, believing in God wholeheartedly. I don't believe in organized religions anymore due to the corruption among many of them.
-I love decorating. My tastes are victorian, romantic, and shabby chic now.
-I freak at the sight of blood.
-I have dyslexia in math.
-People say that I'm pretty but I too have body image issues.
-I have a love and hate relationship with being single.
-daydreaming is my default setting.
-I love to study dreams,mythology,religion and astrology.
-My favorite subjects are English, Art, History, Geography, and Psychology
-The sight, taste, and smell of fish or seafood makes me vomit.
-I collect jewelry
-I don't watch anime much anymore but I still enjoy various manga titles.
-I love sitcoms. My favorite one is Married... With Children. and Family Guy
-It takes me a very long time to get over something.
-I love road trips and traveling. I plan on going to Europe, England,Rome Sweden, Prague, Russia, Germany, and Australia someday. If i have time, some other countries too.
-I love museums and libraries. I could live in them all day long.
-I still enjoy vintage video games. Wii, ps3, or the latest xbox doesn't interest me one bit.
-Fall and summer are my favorite seasons, minus the pollen allergies.
-I want to donate money to cervical cancer research someday.
-I am a little psychic. I have precognition dreams frequently.
-I love to go swimming, hiking, horseback riding, or go on long walks.
-I sometimes see ghosts and demons
-I prefer Harry Potter above Twilight.
-I love painting and drawing. I've just been in a block for awhile.
-Christmas is my favorite holiday.
-My favorite movie of all time is Labyrinth. Right now it's Amelie, Ghost World, and Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind and a few others.
-I only like the classic disney films. When they still used real animation.
-I love thrift stores and flea markets.
-I may appear to be cold and aloof at times but underneath I have deep sense of love, empathy and understanding towards others. I just don't show it often since it takes time for me to trust people.
-I am a terrible housekeeper.
-I have a fascination with graveyards and abandoned buildings
-I am an anthro artist.

I feel free. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

Tonight I had an opportunity to go visit a psychic with a friend, but in the end my budget was too tight for it and I decided to decline regardless, offering to do something else like a movie. To be honest, I don't really want to know if I'll fall in love or not anymore. I figure it's just best to let it happen like an unexpected windfall the way God intended to. As for careers, the original reason why I agreed to see one, I think I pretty much know what to do now. As I mentioned in several entries earlier, I want to become an english teacher. However, if this doesn't work out, there's always many other options to choose from with an english major. Besides. I still have at least two years to figure out what to do yet anyway before I transfer to UWO.

Luckily, unlike April, she was understanding and agreed with my compromise. She can still see the psychic, but I've arranged something else and she could tell me what they had to say. I feel much better now.