Lately I've been rather sensitive to criticism... extremely sensitive.

Don't get me wrong. When it comes to things like artwork, I welcome constructive criticism where people point out some good things, areas that need some work of improvement and show me how to do it, then point out another good thing. When people use this method of criticism, it makes things less stressful, painful, and it may actually boost one's confidence and skill.

But when a person beocomes critical about everything from drawings to life, it becomes very stressful and draining for me. It's like some people like to force their opinions on me and expect me to change overnight. Then people start accusing me of things that aren't even true and they never give me a break. While I appreciate them trying to help, but i think it's the worst thing people can do to each other.

Constant criticism makes people feel as if no matter what you do, nothing is good enough for them. It discourages others, severely damaging one's self confidence and self esteem. It puts them in blocks and it could even make a person lose interest in something that was once special to them. It makes them feel belittled and underappreciated. Worst of all, it puts you through depression and anxiety, bringing on the fear of failure.

The sad thing is, many people fall into the path of criticism and they don't realize how destructive it could be, almost as a form of domnestic abuse. It has done great damage to me already and I'm doing the best I can to recover from it all and gain my interests back that I once lost. It's not easy, but it's managable. I'm also trying to learn to be myself and love myself again, even though life isn't so great at the moment.

Please don't let yourself fall into the criticsm trap it could not only hurt a person but it may end friendships as well. Be constructive!!! Being constructive can go a really long way. Remember that <3

Tags: writer's block
Current Mood: blah

I think I have a gift... a special gift, dealing with a world of dreams, occasionally predicting the future. In 1998, I dreamt about a kid running through a school like building with a gun in his hand. In 1999, Columbine happened. Then somepoint later, I've had dreams about a plane hitting two buildings which happened repeatedly. In 2001, september 11 happened. On one occasion, I even dreamt about a math class and a day later the same lessons were being spoken out of the teacher's mouth and one of her students, Abby Williams was asking the same questions she was asking in a dream! It took every ounce of my self control not to scream from shock. instead i sat there in silence, stunned by what I've seen and heard.

Then 5 years ago, I had another dream. I dreamt that I was babysitting my cousins Ryan and Alex when they were still young boys while their parents were away. By the time they got home, they were silent and pissed off at each other. Moments later, a moving van came up to the house and Aunt Jane was packing up her things and taking boxes to the moving van. She was gone, leaving uncle Jeff and the kids behind. I felt sad for them and I was just standing there wondering why she left.

And guess what happens. 5 years later today, I found out that Aunt Jane and Uncle Jeff went through a divorce. I've been depressed about this because my family is starting to fall apart- they used to be close knit. I'm still in shock after hearing news from my dad and seeing a ringless hand on Uncle Jeff and Ryan, quiet and seems depressed. It's not like him! The only difference from dreams to reality is that the boys are much older now with alex in the 8th grade and Ryan a sophomore in high school. It's been said that Aunt Jane was just simply unhappy and wanted out. I shoved the dream away thinking something like that would never happen to them. Maybe to uncle dave and aunt gail which happened earlier, but never aunt jane and uncle jeff.

If all my dreams played a significance to reality, what is the significance of my "shadow husband" dreams? Nearly every dream I had on and off consisted of a six foot tall shadowy figure who happens to have a medium build. His shadow figure remains almost invisible to me, but he had two clearly visible kids with him. Both of them had brown hair/eyes i think and one was a boy and a girl. I remember myself calling the boy michael. The girl marie. The "husband" in the dream was always kind and compassionate, loving, loyal, and very supportive. He's held me through the good times and bad times. He protected me from storms. he was romantic and passionate. He got me through any situation with ease, no matter how bad things were. There were times where my mother was looking on at my happy family with deep regret. I was truly happy with him... truly happy. My world was whole, meaningful and complete.

Then there was the last shadow man dream I had a week ago or so. He wasn't the same shadow man but a different one, same height, bulkier figure. he stepped through the darkness and approached my bathtub, asking if i remembered him and accused me of killing him 3 years ago. then he reached over to strangle me as if he wanted to murder me.

Me and my friend torama was talking about this earlier and perhaps it's a warning that I should stop being so paranoid of men and know not all of them is bad yet I should still take caution and take things slow. Or that my next man is the father of my children but it may indicate problems later on leading to future flings until i land mr. right. I agree with the first aspect but not the second. There was no trouble with my relationship dreams- almost always smooth sailing. would he be the one?

The only 6 foot man with medium build i know is dewey, someone i knew and grew up with when my dad was still dating his ex girlfriend which happens to be his mother. Unfortunately they broke up and dewey has moved on with his life and is living in milwaukee now. He barely comes on the internet anymore but he did add me on facebook and is still single. When he saw me at his mother's wedding he was so happy to see me. i can tell there was much we wanted to talk about but it never seemed like the right time. and we live so far away.

I notice that my dreams typically come true 1-6 years later on average. Is it possible that something may happen between the next 1-6 years? My friend Charlotte told me a long time ago that she had a feeling about this but wouldn't tell me what...

Current Mood: confused

Well, the computer thing went smoother than I had expected. My dad did get a little excited about this and was like "damn you" at first, but he accepted it. I appreciate the fact that he helped me take the computer to Computer Corner so I can have all the data wiped out and reformatted. The reason I chose this rather than to have them get rid of the viruses/spyware and leave the other files is that I have no idea what exactly was infecting my computer and some of the stuff i may have downloaded in the past may be an infection. I really don't know. Plus doing it that way will also cost me more money at 99.00.

The damage done for me is about 79. I already deposited 30.00 out of my own pocket and the rest of it will come from the bank. There is one plus side to all this despite the losses of everything, including artwork is that I basically get a new PC. For less. It's fine with me because I'm no where near ready for vista yet and I don't want to deal with replacing my camera, printer, and my 7 year old scanner. I should have it back by next friday.

In the meantime, I have memory trouble with my old computer so I'm doing everything I can to free up space. The first thing I did was to get rid of AVG, which is a bad memory hogger at 20 MB or so. Plus it was outdated. I may also get rid of ad aware CS since I can no longer update that program but keep spybot and spyware doctor.

But I have a question with some programs:

1. what is Broad Jump Client Foundation? Is it important for something? Or should I delete it?

2. What is C-Media 3D audio? Do I need that program? What is it foor? Can I get rid of it?

3. What is viewpoint? Some of it appears to be a cross between spyware and media. should I do away with that?

Please help me! thank you.

Current Mood: confused

It's finally happened. My computer crashed. Around 4AM last night, my computer started to get really, really slow and then the screen just turned black. When I booted it back up, it showed something like: We are sorry for the inconvienience, but windows did not start up correctly. Then it had several options like safe mode, regular mode, and something else. I tried all of them, but nothing happened. All thanks to that fucking worm virus and spyware problems that I tried to get rid of, but I couldn't. I Lost everything. Photoshop, my new nine inch nails album that northstar provided a link to, my thousands of mp3s, limewire, my latest drawings, my photoshop and paint shop brushes, documents... everything. I am so pissed.

I feel really bad about this too, because my friend blackstorm wanted me to make a card with a heart and a message on it for her brother's present or something and it crashed right when i was in the middle of it. I feel even worse that it had to happen on the day before my grandpa finally got to celebrate his 87th birthday now that Grandma was doing a bit better a week later.

I swear... something or someone is bound to make me miserable and live in hell. Right now I've barely got over a panic attack thinking what I should do about this and dreading the cost of repairs. Most of all, I dread dealing with my dad.

Please pray that he won't go apeshit on me tomorrow. I'm on my period, I'm mentally unstable, and I just can't deal with anything right now. Please pray that he'll help me deal with this in a civilized supportive manner and not yelling at me about finances. Hell, I even told him that i'd pay 50 out of my own pocket, sacrificing the last part of a 100.00 bill i had put away from gambling.

I'm so sick to my stomach at the moment. I just wish that things like this don't have to happen at the worst possible times. Life is so cruel to me.

When will it ever get better?

Current Mood: crushed

Right now I've been dealing with explosive mood swings for the past couple hours. Sometimes I get extremely depressed, other times I suffer anxiety, and another moment I get extremely pissed off at almost everything going wrong with my life and much of the world, envious of almost everyone...

Then I have the urge to slam doors, scream and cry, and bang on walls only no one would hear me or care.

Did I mention I'm on my period? My blood flow is heavy right now and my moods are downright awful. The heat isn't helping matters much either.

Is there any hope for my explosive PMS to be controlled? I can't go on birth control due to high blood pressure. Anti Depressants will kill me. Midol isn't strong enough.

Anything?

It's driving me and my friends insane. I can't take it anymore.

Current Mood: frustrated

I actually do several small tasks before bedtime. I shut down the computer and television, sometimes unplugging most appliances during a storm but the fridge. I sometimes take a shower before bed if I feel too dirty to crawl into the sheets. I brush my teeth before bed, sometimes flossing. I feed and water my bottomless pit stomach of a cat. Last but not least I pray and read a couple chapters of the bible per night. Or sometimes I just read- usually manga novels or some paranormal book.

I guess I've always been a multi-tasker, just as long as it doesn't get too overwhelming. Maybe I'm just weird.

Tags: writer's block
Current Mood: bored

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/05/04/teen.birth.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview Even though most of the United States and perhaps some other countries may frown upon teen pregnancies, this story made me smile. Even though she made the mistake of keeping the pregnancy a complete secret from the family out of fear she may get kicked out, she was smart enough to wrap the baby in a blanket after he was born at home and carry him to the hospital. It may be a happy beginning for them, especially when the girl's mother would help her take care of him so she can finish school. That girl's lucky.

I also watched the video of the new mother holding her infant and it made me smile. It shows me how much new parents can love their babies, even a teen girl even though babies comes with responsibility. And most teen pregnancies have such a bad rep, usually ending up in adoption, abortion, murder, or abortion.

Also, while watching that clip, I felt weird. A warm heavy feeling spreading across my entire body. An odd sensation, something that I get whenever I pray or communicate with god, especially for peace. Maybe it's an indication from God that true love and babies may come for me sooner than I think...

Current Mood: calm

I hate my mood swings. Sometimes I would be perfectly okay. Neither sad or happy, but okay. Then an hour later I start thinking about my past and my parents and I end up in a really sour mood. Then another few hours pass again and I'm fine. Then for several hours, throughout the evening, I feel chronically empty.

Out of all the feelings I experience, I hate feeling empty the most. As if everything had left me and there's nothing more to live for. What's left to fight for? anything? I don't even know what road to take.

When will these horrible empty feelings leave me? When will this shit go away?

I want to feel normal again, whatever that is.

Current Mood: empty

Sundays are always a dull day for me. I can't really go anywhere, the transit is closed, the stores are closed, the library closes early in the winter and spring, closed all day in the summer, and I don't drink. Not to mention there's not much internet activity either.

At least it's not a complete waste of time. Right now my apartment is a complete disaster. If my landlord saw the mess, she'd probably kick me out by now. The main problem is, too much stuff and no storage space. No matter how much I get rid of- 50 garbage bags of stuff in the past year or so, I still have cramped quarters.

So now I'm going through things and picking stuff up again. I've been washing dishes, putting away laundry from last week that I never bothered to put away, and threw the dirty clothes into the hamper for washing later tonight. I took out the trash, but I intend to take out more, taking care of the recycling stuff that's been crowding my apartment tomorrow. I also want to go through my bins, papers, and almost everything and just get rid of it.

Living here for 3 years just drove me insane enough to the point where I want to scream. Mostly the environment, but also the cramped quarters and the fact I don't have much room for stuff. It will be a blessing if I ever get out of here to a better place. I don't recommend Mainview to anybody, especially my little stepsister who suffers more emotional problems than me.

But still, my mind lingers to what may happen 3 years from now and I get the feeling that it will be a lot happening. Moving for one- that may happen between '08-'09. I may be either volunteering or working in a book shop part time. I may finally know what to do for a care and start thinking about college- I'm close to that now since I have at least 5 options spread out in front of me. I could also marry, but I don't see that happening because I don't have a boyfriend and there's no indication of anyone being actually interested in me. I still fantasize about that dream, but I numbed the desire. What's the point of desiring things that you can't have?

Well back to cleaning. At this rate if my brain never shuts up, i might not finish my projects.

Current Mood: blah

Hey everyone...

I want to apologize to everyone in advance for my wild mood swings. It appears that I am suffering PMS again and it's giving me bi polar like symptoms. It's not a pretty sight. But the good news is, the worst of it is over and I feel okay again. I want to thank those of you who left me comments and contacted me on IM tonight- I'm grateful. Without any of my friends, I wouldn't be here today. If I was, then I would probably be almost like a vegetable or something.

Now that everyone has gone to bed and I'm about to do the same, I've been stuck in deep thought again and my mind lingers to mother's day. I realize that it's next week May 11. When Mother's Day comes up every single year for the past 14 years, bitter memories of her abandoning me when I was a young teenager flood back into my memory. She wanted nothing to do with me and she never bothered to write letters, call, visit, send money (she owes me thousands in child support) or even show up for my graduation, christmas, or birthdays. It's like she died, vanished from my life completely, only to sleep around and get knocked up by a guy that's much older than her. She doesn't care for herself, is too lazy to do anything about her life, and doesn't even bother to keep contact with anyone. Not even her family. And when she did get contact with me, she'd take me to bars just so she can drink and ignore me. Her health is deteriorating severely as well and she has aged greatly. And most of all, I fear for my 12 year old half brother kurt. What if she's been neglecting him too? What kind of life does he have living in that cramped, tiny mobile home?

With all that, I should hate her. Hate her with every inch of my broken soul. Hate her for destroying self esteem, identity, self worth, and confidence. I should hate her for making my dad a bitter, stubborn person, disliking/mistrusting women. I should hate her for screwing me up during pregnancy, making me suffer a lisp, emotional disorders, and learning disabilities. I really should hate her and wish her nothing but death.

... And yet, I don't. I really don't. Sometimes I still get upset for the things she's done to me, but I don't hate her anymore. I even forgiven her, though it would take years to regain the broken trust that was shattered a long time ago. Even though my dad doesn't even know it, I had left a door open ajar for her. If she seeks peace and wants to make mends with me, I will let her in and let her start over. But I cannot let bad influences continue to destroy me.

Instead of presents, maybe flowers for grandma and a card, I'm going to pray for her. I wish to pray salvation for her lost soul, speak of healing to her sick body, and deliverance from every form of bondage and oppression. I pray that she will wake up and realize her mistakes and that she'll make them up with me one day. Most importantly, I pray for peace. I trust that God will heal her like he is doing with me, working hard to get me out of this situation.

I will fight this hatred and bitterness. Let me be filled with love instead.

amen.

Current Mood: contemplative