I've been trying my hardest to hold myself together but I feel like I can't anymore. It feels like I'm drowning and I'm dealing with panic attacks all the time. It's getting to the point where it's starting to worry my friends and myself and I have absolutely no control over it. I feel bad because I want to take my friend's advice to heart trying to mediate or do some deep breathing. The problem is, my body and mind won't let me do it.

I'm not that strong anymore.

Bit by bit the events of this year and last made my sense of security and sanity disappear. Things seem to be getting worse than better.

When will God ever answer my prayers? I'm so restless when things remain unanswered and I'm constantly worried about never finding love, new friends, or passing math. At least there's a blood pressure medicine called Proprananol that prevents panic attacks up to an hour before they even start... I'll have to look into it. This damn anxiety disorder is probably the reason why my blood pressure is so high... Of course doctors never understand. They always blame the slight chubbiness on a woman's body or her weight, which is their natural conclusion.

God help me... What am I going to do?

Just now I woke up and had yet another strange dream. It revolved around Christmas and I was sleeping next to my husband. I couldn't see who he is since he had his face buried in the pillow, but his hair was definitely short and brown.

The phone started ringing.

Groaning, I woke up groggily and reached for the phone.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey Lisa- this is Lynda. I'm calling you to let you know that your mother stopped by yesterday morning...."

"Oh man..." I sighed. My heart sunk knowing that I didn't even live in the area anymore. I had moved to another city and started teaching there 4 years ago.

"She's coming to Greendale tomorrow morning. And there's some wonderful news-Your aunt and uncle are also remarrying. They heard you were having a baby so they're coming to visit you too."

... I paused, almost dropping the phone. This was unexpected.

"Really when?"

I found myself blushing and I looked like I was about 3 months pregnant. I couldn't tell for sure if the blonde woman that appeared briefly in my dream was my mother or aunt jane, but it was definitely a relative. Aunt Jane was too thin to be my mother. She was also prettier than my mother.

"Soon. Most likely after your mother visits you. Well, I got to go. See you around Christmas!" She said in a happy voice and hung up.

Sighing, I laid back down and fell asleep, thinking about my mother, aunt, and Christmas shopping. It was so close to Christmas eve, if not already that I almost forgot about it... Then I woke up.

Yet another dream related to Christmas... Not that I'm really expecting it. The chances of something like this happening on Christmas Eve is very slim. I'll just settle for a new laptop for traveling and college...

*sigh*

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/251632

South Park's Dead Celebrities episode. I never laughed so hard at anything for a long time!

"Lisa, you got a TABE entry test today," said the instructor.

I nodded, cringed then looked at it. The word math seemed to pulse out to me more than the English and Reading stuff, which is what the test was mostly about.

The instructor studied the look of fear on my face. "Do not worry. This is not a pass or fail situation. This is just to see where you are at. And by the time you're done with the GOAL program, you will be given more tests and it will be time to take the assessment. Then we'll know where to place you during the fall of next year."

I nodded weakly, turning pale. I can feel the tingle in the back of my neck and chest as a warning sign, spreading throughout my body. Every muscle of my body tensed and my breathing became rapid.

"Follow me, Lisa," said the instructor.

I followed the blonde lady into the computer lab and she placed me on a PC at the far end of the room. The whole test itself was self explanatory. I went through the Reading and English parts with ease. By the time I got to the several questions in math, I tensed up even more.

"No... no. God no. Please God, not now," I think to myself. The wave of panic washed over me like a tidal wave, pulling me under, drowning me. I try to remind myself that I was no longer in special ed and everything's different in college now. The instructors actually cared about me and will actually teach me everything I need to know. They want me to teach, saying that good teachers are desperately needed. Besides. I had a calculator.

"I can do this. It is time to face math. I'm not a cowardly child. I have control. Things are different now..." My mind slips and plunges.

Too late. I dwelled on the post traumatic distress that Nancy Wagner bestowed upon me, taking root inside my shaken soul. All color just drained from my face by the time I got to the hardest questions of math; stuff that I was never taught.

My body felt heavy yet I was weightless at the same time. The numbers begin to spin out of control, laughing and mocking me, forcing me to remember the humiliation and failures I suffered. Every memory I had endured 8 years ago came back to me with a blinding force.

I can't see. Everything was a blur.

My heart pounds. My mind screams for help. For a moment I couldn't remember to breathe.
My movements are that of a ghost. I am at weightless and lead heavy all at once.

I can’t see…I can’t see…I can’t…

My heart is pounding. My mind screams. Am I still breathing?

Red dots cloud my mind, starting to fade to blackness. It felt like I was being strangled and dying. Dying in the hands of Nancy, who had complete control of my tormented mind. I try to fight back.

Taking a deep breath I just numbly answered the questions by guessing and pushed submit. Then I walked into the office and said that I was finished. My voice was unrecognizable and shaky. Traumatized.

"What the hell did that bitch do to me?" I began to wonder as I returned to my seat and finished my English test for the rest of the class period.

What am I going to do for the next 4 years? What if I keep failing? I'm scared that I won't be able to graduate on time because of this problem... dyscalculia.

Hello! I noticed that I have some new guests lingering around my journal lately. To extend my welcome, I'd like to share some updated information with everyone so you can know me better. Feel free to do the same since I would like to get to know you as well.


A Few Current Facts About Lisa

-I am a student at Fox Valley Technical College for the next two years.
-I plan on transferring to UWO majoring in English and Minoring in Education.
-I am painfully shy and socially awkward, finding most social situations uncomfortable.
-I am good at multitasking. Mostly due to a need to keep my hands and brain busy.
-I suffer fetal alcohol syndrome, depression, and anxiety/panic disorders.
-Reading makes me feel calm and productive.
-In four years I aim to be an english teacher.
-I detest sports, especially football and the green bay packers.
-I spend way too much time online.
-I avoid bars like plagues because they destroyed my mother's life.
-I have a fear of driving.
-I love symphonic and heavy metal,soft rock, alternative, punk, and old skool pop.
-I love dark chocolate but dislike milk chocolate.
-I sometimes miss the good aspects of my childhood.
-I am not an optimistic person, but I tend to think realistically.
-I have a half brother named Kurt and 3 step sisters. I am the oldest.
-I much prefer comedy/romance/drama films. Horror films gross me out.
-I watched my first porno at the age of 14 when a tape was left in the VCR. I was so shocked.
-I have a 9 year old tortie feline named Morgan.
-My best friend is in the navy. I'm proud of her.
-My feelings are genuine.
-I love Chinese and Italian food.
-I get agitated and fidgety when bored.
-I like dressing up in wedding gowns.
-I try not to be judgmental and I get upset when others do it too often.
-I have feminist beliefs.
-I am a Christan, believing in God wholeheartedly. I don't believe in organized religions anymore due to the corruption among many of them.
-I love decorating. My tastes are victorian, romantic, and shabby chic now.
-I freak at the sight of blood.
-I have dyslexia in math.
-People say that I'm pretty but I too have body image issues.
-I have a love and hate relationship with being single.
-daydreaming is my default setting.
-I love to study dreams,mythology,religion and astrology.
-My favorite subjects are English, Art, History, Geography, and Psychology
-The sight, taste, and smell of fish or seafood makes me vomit.
-I collect jewelry
-I don't watch anime much anymore but I still enjoy various manga titles.
-I love sitcoms. My favorite one is Married... With Children. and Family Guy
-It takes me a very long time to get over something.
-I love road trips and traveling. I plan on going to Europe, England,Rome Sweden, Prague, Russia, Germany, and Australia someday. If i have time, some other countries too.
-I love museums and libraries. I could live in them all day long.
-I still enjoy vintage video games. Wii, ps3, or the latest xbox doesn't interest me one bit.
-Fall and summer are my favorite seasons, minus the pollen allergies.
-I want to donate money to cervical cancer research someday.
-I am a little psychic. I have precognition dreams frequently.
-I love to go swimming, hiking, horseback riding, or go on long walks.
-I sometimes see ghosts and demons
-I prefer Harry Potter above Twilight.
-I love painting and drawing. I've just been in a block for awhile.
-Christmas is my favorite holiday.
-My favorite movie of all time is Labyrinth. Right now it's Amelie, Ghost World, and Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind and a few others.
-I only like the classic disney films. When they still used real animation.
-I love thrift stores and flea markets.
-I may appear to be cold and aloof at times but underneath I have deep sense of love, empathy and understanding towards others. I just don't show it often since it takes time for me to trust people.
-I am a terrible housekeeper.
-I have a fascination with graveyards and abandoned buildings
-I am an anthro artist.

I feel free. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

Tonight I had an opportunity to go visit a psychic with a friend, but in the end my budget was too tight for it and I decided to decline regardless, offering to do something else like a movie. To be honest, I don't really want to know if I'll fall in love or not anymore. I figure it's just best to let it happen like an unexpected windfall the way God intended to. As for careers, the original reason why I agreed to see one, I think I pretty much know what to do now. As I mentioned in several entries earlier, I want to become an english teacher. However, if this doesn't work out, there's always many other options to choose from with an english major. Besides. I still have at least two years to figure out what to do yet anyway before I transfer to UWO.

Luckily, unlike April, she was understanding and agreed with my compromise. She can still see the psychic, but I've arranged something else and she could tell me what they had to say. I feel much better now.

Things are going a lot better in life and quite honestly, I don't have much to be angry about anymore. Except for one thing: Men and hearing the same words of advice over and over again.

"You need to take care of yourself."

"You need to take the time to get to know you."

"You need to get out more."

"You need to open up and get over social phobia."

"Trust in God."

"Stop thinking about it and stop looking. You'll find it."

While I appreciate the words of advice, I have spent 8 years finding and taking care of myself. I am in college now and I have been doing well in my prep courses. I have worked hard to put things behind me. I do go out, but people here are so self absorbed that nobody really talks to me or even say hello to me. Even if I do take care of my appearance or try to be a little more outgoing. And the only way you could meet people on mainstreet if you just go to a bar. There's online dating services too, but I'm too skeptical and weary of even joining them. It's like people are saying that it's my fault that I can't find love.

It's not my fault. It's the living situation I'm in with no opportunity. I am also not looking for them and they don't even notice me. I've even been through therapy to deal with my last relationship and the fact he took my virginity against my will. I have moved on and healed. I know where I should go now and I'm starting to forgive and love myself again.

To tell you the truth, I love and hate being single. I love it because I am finding and taking care of myself, finding out where my morals stand, and figured out what to do with my life. I also got to decorate my place by myself without having a man complain or cook whatever I want. Being single is also quite peaceful, and I never get any arguments unlike my neighbor. What I hate about being single is that I'm lonely; I just long to have companionship, someone to do things with, someone to cuddle with, someone to confide in, someone to share life with, and so many other opportunities that I am missing. I'd love to be able to have someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with instead of feeling miserable, getting engaged, or finally getting married. Or an opportunity to start a new family. I've been single since 2005 and I'm now 27. Time is ticking away, flashing before my eyes.

How come it's never the man? How come it's always me? Am I a horrible person? Too ugly for men's tastes? Not my fault that I don't look like Angelina Jolie or Cindy Crawford. Or that I'm not the popular social butterfly. I've been picked on throughout my entire life. OF COURSE I WOULDN'T BE OUTGOING!

I just wish that things could change. That I'd meet the right person instead of someone who's controlling, horny or abusive. Just once. Even if it's 50 minutes or a week... I just want to know what it feels like to be loved again.

There. Sorry for the somewhat emotional entry but I just had to get this out while I still can. From here on out I think I'm going to try thinking of only the good things about being single and deal with learning instead. Let's see if this can last for a month or longer. Wish me luck.

I had yet another weird nightmare last night.

Yesterday I dreamt that I was going to my old church back home in Pickett and things were being run as normal. Towards the end of the service, however, things turned dark and creepy as if it became a shrine to some form of mythology straight out of the movie Pan's Labyrinth. I left the place then got into a car and started driving. The moment the sky turned dark, I realized that I forgot to turn on the headlights. As I did, I felt a harsh impact crashing against me. My body jolted forward. Glass shattered.

I had no reaction time to gasp or scream. My body started to feel like it was on fire and began to tingle badly, as if a thousand needles were poking my body at once. The burning pain was overwhelming and I blacked out. Then I woke up gasping.

I wonder what this one means. One of my friends thinks it could be a bad omen... is this how I will die?

All week long I had been working hard to get myself back on track mentally. While I was shopping at Shopko, I saw that my ex boyfriend had come up behind me while I was at the check out lines. Naturally, I pretended that he wasn't even there and didn't recognize me. I just paid for the stuff and left the store in a hurried pace. My folks were waiting for me outside anyway.

I don't get it though. Why is it that he always seems to come up right when I had put him behind me or prayed for love, only on God's terms? Why can't he just send me the right one for me to meet? I'm so tired of dealing with the wrong people, especially when it comes to men. I just want to find "the one", develop a bond with him, settle down, and have a family someday. Normal stuff that nearly everyone wants. The longer I wait, the more restless I feel. I couldn't help it. At least I'm not thinking about it nearly as much now.

And do you know what the creepy thing is? I dreamt about Derek on November 2nd, moving on from him once and for all. This is yet another precognition dream that came true... I wonder what it means for the other 6'3" medium build man that appears in my dreams so many times before...

For the past few days I've been fighting an inner battle; the negative self vs. the positive self. I had been working hard to put past issues behind me, letting out all the trapped emotions inside of me without ever damaging myself physically. Then I went to work on letting my grandmother go on with her spiritual life, moved on from my ex forgiving him and myself, and forgave april, though I'm still worried about her future with her attitude. I wrote letters to all them and put them away without sending them. I also wrote a letter to an old friend of mine, telling him that I loved him, but I didn't feel that it's time to confess in person just yet. Hopefully the lord will let this happen and I won't get rejected for it, but I'll never know.

Then I proceeded to meditate, went on long walks, attended my classes, avoided fast food, took care of an ATM problem with my debit card, helped and listened to others online, and gave extra care to my cat Morgan. As an end result my soul feels lighter, but somehow empty, and my apartment no longer seemed to have an overwhelming dark energy to it. My urge to draw and other forms of creativity are slowly returning, but I still need a new printer and some paper. I also need jewelry wire and beads. Just recently I developed an urge to make it myself.

I'm going to be okay I think, and so is Morgan. Yesterday she was back to her old self again, bugging me for attention, food, and somewhat playful. She had me worried but I guess cats go through mood swings and older cats seem to sleep more. I'll just take things one day at a time. If I'm lucky enough, maybe one day, these mood disorders will be gone.

I had another bad dream last night and it was about my ex Derek. I dreamt that I ran into him again and I recognized his shaggy blonde hair and his tall, large body right away. I backed away in fear and he came closer to me.

"This is what you've done to me for the past five years," he said.

"We're through Derek. Finished. I don't want to be with you!" I cried.

"I can sense your soul... so badly you want to be with someone. Like how I'm still looking for a wife. Submit to me."

"Never. Get away from me Derek," I glared at him. "I'm in college now. Earning a degree and making a life for myself while you don't do anything but whine and leech off others! And you rape women, scaring them with cervical cancer. Why would I want to be with you?!" My voice got louder. Angrier.

Derek staggered towards me. "You belong to me..." He started to reach out to me and tried to hug me.

"I belong to no one," I said in a cold, monotone voice.

I took off running down various winding streets screaming for help. I found a jewelry repair shop and i ran inside it. while i was at it i had my grandmother's ring repaired. but then i saw that derek had followed me. I ran out again. I didn't know that my legs could go that fast.

"YOU'LL REGRET THIS LISA!" I hear derek shout. From the corner of my eye he just froze and crumbled. He was again defeated by my own confidence. Just like my breakup and recent encounter with him at Burger King.

There i was outside again, tired from running. I saw another man- about the same height 6'3" but medium build standing from a distance with his arm outstretched to me. Unfortunately, I didn't get a clear view of who he was and I must have blacked out. Then I woke up.

I had another weird dream last night, but it wasn't necessarily a nightmare. I dreamt that I was taking a walk in the country roads. When I reached the curve, a car drove passed me and swerved, speeding away. I gasped and just stayed a few feet away to ensure my own safety. Then I noticed something made of metal stuck among the trees. An abandoned car. I looked through the window to see if there was anybody in it, but there wasn't. It was just old and rusty. Something shiny caught my eye. Just when I was about to reach it I heard my dad yell at me from a distance to come home and get ready- they'll be going to church soon.

I walked home top speed and got myself ready. My dad was talking rather excitedly from the hallway saying how wonderful things will be and I'll get to see my ex teachers and old friends again. I couldn't help but smile, wondering what's going on. I put on a white slip over my body, but i noticed that my hair was a mess, especially the bangs. I reached for the scissors and began to cut them. The haircut on the bangs appeared jagged, but after a few minutes they were straight. Then I got out my curling iron and curled my hair, making my new layers wavy.

Then my stepsister Bethany came into the room and smiled at me. She seemed pretty happy for me too, for whatever reason and did my makeup and started looking for outfits for me. She looked at me and said that I shouldn't be wearing black, pointing at a black gown on the bed. It wasn't a funeral, she said. Then she was reaching for something white. I leaned forward to see what she had chosen but I couldn't make out the details. Then I woke up.

I believe it depends on genetic factors and how well the mother takes care of the fetus until it is born. If members of your family suffer emotional problems like depression, anxiety, borderline, and bi polar disorders for example, chances are your brain chemistry might reflect that.

Then there's me. I was born with emotional problems thanks to a mild case of fetal alcohol syndrome. My mother was drinking and smoking during her pregnancy with me and I ended up being born with a low birth weight, a speech impediment, learning disorders- at least in math, and emotional problems. My problems got so much worse when students started teasing me, dealt with a murder case, and had my family split apart by divorce and abandonment. By the time I was 20 years old I was so messed up that I had to go into therapy and had to take anti depressants.

The moment I became suicidal while medicated, I quit the zoloft and ativan cold turkey. While it was wrong to quit so soon, I felt like I had to. It made my temperament terrible and it was splitting apart my closest relationships. I almost ended up in the mental health institution as well. I was lucky to be spared from that torment, but my stepsister wasn't so lucky. However, she had chosen to overcome her problems and had chosen another path by getting a degree in nursing. I have a huge amount of respect for her which influenced me to develop a career path that reflected the shadows of my past in a positive way. I noticed that most of my past problems revolved around school, which made me want to become a teacher, or something similar.

So it's true that emotional disorders are linked to one another genetically and environmentally. However, if people were brought up in loving, supportive environments and inspired enough to turn their lives around, they may overcome these problems and even be... happy.

Today has been a much better day. The sky was clear and the sun was brightly shining. It was also very warm outside for October, which was surprising. A perfect day for going for a long walk.

Today was also my dentist appointment. I went in, having a gut feeling that I don't have any cavities this year. Much to my surprise, I was right, and my 3 wisdom teeth are still buried under the gums. They wanted to scan me again in five years for any changes, in case if a removal is needed. I highly doubt that. They don't bother me one bit and my dad has the same thing, and he's 54 years old. He still got his wisdom teeth too. The chances of that ever happening are very slim. It makes me feel lucky.

After that, we went to Best Buy today to look at laptops, which will be my Christmas present. I've been wanting one for college and travel, and I definitely want to go with wireless. My dad wanted me to go with the acer that's 300.00 or so, but I wasn't terribly impressed with the memory and the battery life. The memory size is like my desktop and it's running very slowly now. A dell laptop caught my eye which had 4GB of memory and 300 something of RAM, with 4 hours of battery life. It was a little over 500.00, but it's still cheaper than my desktop. My dad frowned at this, but I offered to pay for part of it with my government check, and he was fine after that.

Speaking of college... I think I know what to do now. I'm seriously thinking about finishing the prep courses and go straight to UWO, considering a major in English and a minor in Education. Once I finish my associates and bachelors degree or whatever it is I need, I may end up getting my masters at Concordia University, if I just so happen to move to the Milwaukee area in a few years. It's strange. Despite my dad's urges for me to go with an art program, I don't feel pulled in that direction anymore. Instead, I've been drawn to English like a magnet, and I've been doing very well in the prep courses. In fact, I could picture myself teaching the subject as a teacher or instructor, or having a similar career.

I feel a lot more confident about my future now and I'm not afraid of the once bleak outlook anymore. I'm going to give it a fair shot. Even if it doesn't work out, I do know for a fact that an english major can offer millions of other meaningful jobs that could be waiting for me to grab...

Last night I had a pretty straight forward dream, another possible window into my future. I dreamt that I was moving to a smaller town just outside of Milwaukee and we were in the Green Lake area. There I saw a familiar mobile home park and I asked my boyfriend to pull over, saying that there's something I needed to do first. He did then I walked up to my mother's white mobile home and started knocking on the door. Dale, the man whom my mother was living with answered it and I demanded to know where my mother was. He pointed at the couch.

"Where have you been all these years?" I asked her.

My mother said nothing.

"Just thought I'd let you know that I won't be here anymore. I've lived in Oshkosh for 7 years and I've just graduated from Fox Valley Tech with an associates degree for a transfer program. I'm going to another university now to get my bachelor's and masters to become an English teacher. How are you spending your life? Sitting on the couch watching Oprah, feeling sorry for yourself and wasting it away?" I glared at her with disappointment and sadness.

No answer, but she looked down.

"How sad... If you care about me at all, look me up in Greendale or Concordia. It's your choice to use this last chance to ask for forgiveness and reconnect with me or lose me completely." I finished the sentence there. There was nothing left to say and my mother remained gravely silent. She was starting to look like a corpse on the couch.

I bid her a silent farewell then walked out the door, got back into the car, then we drove away. 7 years later I did succeed it seems and I was teaching english. I asked some of my students to read passages from the play Taming of a Shrew and the back of my mind I was thinking: keep hoping...

Then I woke up.

My deviantART inbox is FLODDED with altered coloring book images by blades and it's starting to give me a headache just looking at them. It's taking every ounce of my strength to bite my tongue from saying: Don't you ever do your own work?

I'm about done with art and deviantART... the desire and interest in it is gone now and the only thing it does for me is to irritate me. It's art thieves, things going wrong in my life and people who constantly nag me for new pieces then criticize them that are held responsible for killing that interest. It will only get worse if I took classes in college... I'm not sure if I can ever get it back now. Like writing. I haven't written any type of fiction since I was 20 too.

I'm also seriously thinking about deleting my DA gallery too. I never thought this would ever happen after 6 years of drawing... What are my talents anyway? I get the feeling it's not drawing or writing anymore...

1. Clowns. Naturally. I find them annoying and creepy.
2. Losing my family and friends
3. Bees. Damn those fuzzy yellow things with stingers on their butts.
4. Not graduating college or able to find a decent career
5. Never finding love or have children
6. What could possibly happen in the year 2012...
7. Getting involved with bad or controlling relationships
8. Apartment fires and losing everything I have thanks to someone else
9. That I'll never be able to move out of this apartment building and stuck here forever
10. Doctors and the possibility of finding out I have cancer

I think four of these fears will simply fade away once things start to fall into place and I got better about the former fear of needles, though I still can't stand them. As for the rest... I don't know. What are your fears?

Oh god...

Blades the art thief is back on DA from being banned, under the name watersprite. I wonder what she'll steal from me and other people this time. And here's something really interesting about this: On her web page it states that she's 16 years old and still in high school.Other places she appears to be an adult, married, and whatnot. It's still hard to miss her painfully written mary sue fiction and badly colored coloring photos or posted artwork by others...

http://www.ghostweb.com/sleep.html

While I was browsing through the internet, I found this article randomly while researching nightmares. I think I have this disorder and it happens at least a few times a year where I feel like something is holding me down and taking my soul away upon waking up. For a few seconds I couldn't speak or scream for help. Then I wake up completely, as if nothing had happened except for a wave of nausea and sometimes experience a very fast heart rate and breathing.

Other times when I have nightmares, especially the ones that felt real, I see shadowy figures retreat from my body. Sometimes they look like skeleton heads, bats, or smaller demon figures. Last night I saw a shadow of a gargoyle figure retreat from me after having a bad nightmare about a young girl's abusive father shooting me in a school building after calling the cops. Am I crazy or does anyone else see these figures after waking up in darkness? I think this is further proof that this building is haunted with bad spirits and I should move out as soon as I get my degree and a job opening somewhere.

I never get this problem anywhere else...